With every person that called I quickly learned that I would have a cast of wonderful characters for my blogs. I wasn’t trying to be insincere or judgmental, because my main goal was to find someone I really did click with. Unfortunately, to find that person you click with you have to shuffle through a lot of people that you have absolutely nothing in common with.
Enter Edith the Cat Lover. I met Edith the Cat Lover through a dating website and after a quick email we exhanged numbers to chat. I call her Edith because after seeing her picture, I felt like she resembled Edith Bunker, Archie Bunker’s wife from “All in the Family.” I call her Cat Lover because I’d say she absolutely loved cats.
Edith the Cat Lover was a middle-aged lady who seemed to be all about her schedule. This was a good thing, because dealing with the young and flakey can be a bit annoying. Judging by the way she described her schedule, she made it a point to let me know she would be available to hook up on weekends. It couldn’t get any more convenient than that. She was very eager to talk, so I figured she would be more keen to trying to arrange a meet-up versus someone who thrived off spontaneity (aka Ms. Flakey). I’m not a shallow person, meaning even her looks weren’t like someone young and a bit more spontaneous, I didn’t want to judge her before based solely on what she looked like. I’m more attracted to personalities. In fact, I am only attracted to personalities, which at times, makes Ryan a bit uneasy. After sending her a quick text message asking if I can call and verify her voice, she acknowledged I could call her.
Me: Hi there! Is this Edith?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, hi! How are you?
Me: I’m doing well. It sounds like you’re in a car. Are you driving?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, I am. I drive a lot, mostly on weekdays, due to my job. So weekends are pretty much open for me.
She has me on speakerphone, so she sounds like she’s yelling at me. I already feel uneasy.
Me: Well, thanks for taking my call. (Satisfied) You’re definitely a woman.
Edith the Cat Lover: No problem! Trust me, I totally get why you need to verify. You can never tell who you end up talking to.
Me: Yea, I just want to know who I am really talking to. For some reason, a lot of responses I get seem to be from men.
Edith the Cat Lover: Oh, honey, I know…believe me. I’ve had enough of men. They will do anything for pussy.
This made me a bit uncomfortable, so I nodded but I didn’t realize she couldn’t see me nod while on the phone.
Edith the Cat Lover: I actually started hooking up with women a few years ago. I got soooo tired of my husband in bed so I decided to try women. I have to say that was probably THE best decision of my life.
Edith the Cat Lover: Absolutely. I found that women can touch me in a way that he never can.
Me: I’ve heard women DO have a special touch.
I imagined all the lesbian porn I’d ever seen where the two women moved in slow motion, caressing each other, kissing for a few minutes, before slowly taking off their clothes.
Edith the Cat Lover: I just love the way they feel – their breasts, their fingers, their skin. I love everything about women. They just drive me wild. And sweetie, men can’t do what women do.
Me: Yea,that’s something I can’t wait to experience.
Edith the Cat Lover: And I’d like to be the one to show you…!
Me: Tell me this, what exactly are you looking for? What do you want?
Edith the Cat Lover: I need a woman, who knows how to touch me. It’s to the point where my husband disgusts me. I mean I love him, I just don’t want him to touch me you know?
Edith the Cat Lover: If you wanted, we could meet this weekend even. I am okay with meeting at a hotel or maybe a public place? The last girl I met was in a parking lot! She fisted the hell out of me. I felt it for weeks.
Edith the Cat Lover: Does your husband really have to be around? I find it very uncomfortable for a first timer to have to be there with her husband. For a first time, he should just throw you in a room and let a woman do what she wants to do with you. That is an experience you will never forget.
Me: Well, so, I guess doing our nails together or anything like that is out of the question?
Edith the Cat Lover: Girl, hell no, I’m going to nail you to the headboard and stick my face inside your baby hole!
Edith the Cat Lover: That’s a joke girl. I’m just a bit worked up thinking of you being a first timer and all.
Edith the Cat Lover: I’d like to squat down real fast and suck air up my vagina, then pull your face into my crotch and blow you a pussy kiss!
Me: Um, hmmm. I’m not so sure about that.
Edith the Cat Lover: Don’t worry, we can go at your pace. No pressure here sweetie, I just want to be open and honest with you.
Me: Listen, I appreciate the honesty but I do have to go. I’ve verified you as real so go ahead and text me if you have any questions.
After I hung up with her, I felt like my ears had been molested and that I needed a rape kit for my ear drums. Suffice it to say, Edith the Cat Lover is the reason why I decided there is a huge difference between what I want and what other women want. I am not a man hating lesbian that wants to prove to the world that women do it better, I just want to enjoy a woman’s soft touch. In a perfect world, I’d love to enjoy a woman’s soft touch with my husband’s perfect touch, together. In my world, which is far from perfect, I won’t make it less perfect accepting anything less. How can I ever enjoy being with someone who talked so much shit about her husband? I mean, according to her, her husband’s penis was the size of a corn kernel. If she was that judgmental about the man she supposedly loved, what would she say about me?
And so the search continues…