Random Moments With Us – Your Mother

your motherFor my entire relationship I have been absolutely mature in everything we have ever done.  I am the epitome of maturity.  For instance, if Nessa were to nicely ask, “Ryan, what time is that television show on tonight?”

I’d maturely respond with, “Why don’t you ask your mother what time the show is on tonight?”  In fact, I’ve said this old joke for so long now it gets more mature each time I say it.  And I’m okay with that.

Well, from the first day I met Nessa, she was always extremely possessive of me.  I didn’t mind.  She was open about her possessive nature behavior and said until she met me, she was always just the opposite.  I took that as a huge compliment, and I loved her caring enough about me that she got jealous.   During the course of our marriage, some things were extreme, but I always thought it was cute.  If I said a movie star was sexy, I could never watch a movie with her with that actress in it.  And no, that isn’t a joke.  She felt threatened by I guess what she considered little crushes.  Like, I couldn’t watch a movie with a sexy movie star and not have sexual thoughts. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but her insecurities were always cute to me.  I learned very quickly to just never mention who I thought was or wasn’t sexy (or I’d never be able to watch movies again).

However, there was ONE person who I could call a hottie, and Nessa had no choice not to be offended by it: her mother.  I’d openly say to her that I can tell where she got her looks from because her mother is gorgeous.  This would make Nessa smile.  If her mom was down in the dumps or was going through her own problems, Nessa would tell her mom about these compliments and they both would laugh.  It was funny, but of course it was also quite flattering.

Well, somewhere along the line, Nessa began teasing me about me saying her mom was gorgeous.  If Nessa would say, “Ryan, what are we going to do tonight?”

I’d respond, “I have no idea, what’s your mom going to do tonight?”

She would then glance at me smiling and say, “You wish.”

I’d then laugh and respond, “Yea I do…” with a pause then finish, “Your mother is hot as hell, so what?”

As stupid as this sounds, this became our playful mindless banter for years.  Of course we talk and communicated seriously, but on those days when we are extra playful and she asked me something, I would randomly say “Your mother.”

Fast forward to a month ago, fresh after we had our first threesome.  At this point, Nessa hadn’t been as jealous or possessive in years.  Her insecurity issues seemed to totally vanish.

Anyway, a few days after we experienced our first threesome Nessa was getting something out of the refrigerator.  She glanced over at me and said, “What do you want to eat?”

I looked back at her and said, “Your mother.”

She then looked at me for a second and said, “You wish…” but she paused and added, “…okay wait, that just doesn’t feel right anymore.”

I agreed.

What’s the point of this random moment?  If you have a threesome be prepared to give up your glorious mother jokes.  That is all.

Freaky Friday Search Terms – men with clits

freakyfriday

Each week we will post our most outrageous search terms that people used to find our website that week.  Ryan and I will then share our own thoughts and hopefully entertain you guys or at least make the search term make a little less sense.

Each search term was gathered by wordpress and/or google statistics and they are all very real search terms.   Each search term was used by some person in the world that ended up on our page.

10. cum on my top
Ryan: I got nothing here.
Nessa: It’s going to be one of those days I guess?
Ryan:  Well, I mean, what really can I say about ‘cum on my top’
Nessa: Maybe we can work that ‘Cum on my top?  My sleeves or  collar ‘ angle?
Ryan: No, you can work that angle if you want, I’m going to sit out this search term.  I can’t force the magic to happen, it just does.
Nessa: Oh dear.  What a diva.

9. penis contest
Nessa: And the biggest dick award goes to…
Ryan:
Ryan: Do you want me to drum roll?
Drum roll sound
Nessa: Aww, you are smiling and waiting for me to finish?
Ryan: … hell yea!
Drum roll sound
Nessa: Wait, what was I saying again?
Ryan: … something about the biggest penis I think.
Drum roll sound
Nessa: Are you sure?
Ryan: … yes, I am positive. Go ahead, finish …
Drum roll sound
Nessa: And the cutest penis I have ever seen goes to …
Drum roll sound
Nessa: … Ryan!
Ryan:  Oh wow, that just went from Best Actor to Best Original Soundtrack for an Obscure Black and White Documentary.
Nessa: Yay!  You won!

8. men with clits
Nessa: That guy definitely didn’t win.
Ryan: Touché.

7. my wife doesn’t like my cock
Nessa: That sucks.
Ryan:  Well, I removed that one tattoo that you didn’t like, maybe he could try that?
Nessa: Are you saying he should remove his cock?
Ryan: I mean, she may like him better without it?
Nessa: Your butt cheek is much sexier without that tweety bird tattoo.
Ryan: Really, a tweety bird tattoo?  For the joke’s sake you couldn’t give me like a cooler butt cheek tattoo to remove?
Nessa: Like Roy Orbison?
Ryan: Waterboy!

6. the rules of swallowing cum
Nessa: You must show your man his hard work and let him enjoy the visual of his cum in your mouth prior to swallowing.
Ryan: Yes.  Great rule.
Nessa: While showing your stallion his delicious juices, you must make cute little sperm bubbles on your lips and let them pop all over your face.
Ryan: Yes.  She definitely knows her rule book here.
Nessa: Before swallowing, you must savor his flavor and gargle while he watches.
Ryan: An older rule, but that is definitely accurate.
Nessa: You can also push the sperm back and forth through your teeth to show him you want his flavor to marinate all throughout your mouth.
Ryan: Absolutely, he must marinate.  That’s an important rule for sure.
Nessa: Finally, you must grab him by his throat, force his lips open, and spit it back in his mouth so he can also do all of the above as well.
Ryan: Uh, that’s definitely not a rule.
Nessa: Well it should be.
Ryan: I will talk to the rule makers of swallowing and discuss that idea.  If for whatever reason the rule makers agree to your suggestion , there is still a lot of paperwork and red tape involved in the rule changing process.  Honestly, it’s really not even worth the effort.
Nessa: Uh huh.
Ryan: Seriously, let’s keep these rules simple for our readers’ sake.

5. wake up with dick in her pussy
Nessa: This happened to me once. Freaked me out because I knew you weren’t in me when I fell asleep
Ryan: Freaked me out too because I wasn’t in you when we woke up either.
Nessa:
Ryan: Kermit?
Nessa: Busted!

I once came home and Nessa put her pants in the living room.  Her panties were thrown on the couch, and she put her bra on the bedroom door knob.  I walked into the bedroom and she popped out of from under the covers and said, “Ryan!?”  Then she grabbed her life sized Kermit the Frog stuffed animal and made him pop up from underneath the covers and look at me too.  In her best Kermit the Frog voice she said, “Ryan?!”

I later jacked off on her Miss Piggy stuffed anmal and made Kermit watch.  (Read article here)

4. is it wrong to cum on my wife while she is asleep
Ryan: That depends on if she fell asleep during intercourse?  You get to finish what she starts no matter what sleep stage she is in.
Nessa: My suggestion would be, whether she started it or not, to do it when she’s in deep sleep.
Ryan: I don’t know if that’s even legal.
Nessa: When a tree falls in a lonely forest, does it make a sound?
Ryan: No, but when a woman wakes up with sticky stuff all over her in the morning, she may make a sound then.
Nessa: Yea, but what about the tree?
Ryan:
Nessa: You see, you and the tree are one.
Ryan: Stop trying to confuse me.

3. my wife’s body is nude when she is sleeping on youtube
Nessa: 
Was she sticky?
Ryan: Did youtube capture any sounds?
Nessa: The magic?
Ryan: Oh yea, it’s flowing right now.

2. do sluts have loose vaginas
Ryan: When I go to prison I’m going to need a non-slut for sure.  It’s really not possible for a slut to secretly carry my contraband supplies in with a loose vagina. She’ll walk up to the prison guard and when he says, “Spread them,” a fucking toaster oven falls out of her crotch like nothing happened.  Not good, not good at all.
Nessa:  Don’t worry Ryan, I’m tight enough to hold that toaster oven in place even if I have to spread them.  I’ll be your Bonnie.
Ryan: Hell yea.  This is going to be great.

1. how to self suck your own dick and eat your own cum
Nessa: Step 1, remove your bottom rib.  Step 2, stretch.  Step 3, have a two-foot long penis.
Ryan: That’s funny, because you just told me to get on my shoulders.  Then you pushed my ass down to my shoulders until my dick flopped against my face.
Nessa: Wow, TMI.
Ryan: It happened.  Just accept it.
Nessa: Can I get some TMI with those fries?
Ryan: Accept it.  You made me slap my own face with my cock.
Nessa: … and I’m done here!