On various Fridays we will post our most outrageous search terms that people used to find our website. Ryan and I will then share our own thoughts and hopefully entertain you guys or at least make the search term make a little less sense.
Each search term was gathered by wordpress and/or google statistics and they are all very real search terms. Each search term was used by some person in the world that ended up on our page.
10. could sperm increase the ass
Nessa: My ass would be extremely increased.
Ryan: You do have a nice jungle booty for an Asian girl.
Nessa: So sperm gives you that ghetto booty huh? Oh black women, you’re dark dirty secret is out.
Ryan: That was racist. Ghetto booty and dark dirty huh?
Nessa: I blame Sir Mix-a-Lot and Lil Kim.
9. how to cum inside a womans ass
Ryan: Do you need a tutorial for this seriously?
Nessa: I still get surprised by some of these search terms, especially the ones asking for instructions.
Ryan: Not to let the guy down, I’ll make it simple. Insert your penis into a woman’s ass, then move back and forth until the friction makes your penis ejaculate. Here is the tricky part, do not pull your penis out and shoot semen in your own face.
Nessa: That’s the key here guys. I’ve noticed a lot of you fellas end up splurging on your own faces. Leave your penis inside of her anus please.
Ryan: Exactly. Then release.
Nessa: Then wash.
Ryan: Then wash again.
Nessa: I’m a bit scared that us clarifying that they need to leave their penis inside of the woman’s anus while they ejaculate may confuse them. We emphasized staying inside them so much that they may not understand that it is safe to remove their penises after they ejaculate. I feel our instructions are a bit incomplete.
Ryan: Well I didn’t tell them to remove their clothing prior to putting their penises inside of a woman’s anus. What if they do all this with clothing on?
Nessa: This worries me Ryan.
Ryan: Would you like me to add a step prior to washing?
Nessa: Please Ryan, for the sake of the readers who need these tutorials.
Ryan: First of all, before putting your penis inside of a woman’s ass, please find a willing woman and make sure you both remove all of your clothing. This is an important step.
Nessa: Very important.
Ryan: Okay, now after reading the steps above, please add these next steps prior to “Then wash.” Once you release your semen, please make sure your penis is completely finished ejaculating. After ejaculation, slowly remove your penis but do not look at it. You may regret what you see. Walk to the shower and place your penis under lukewarm water. Do not place the penis under the water until it warms as the cold water may cause pain. Grab a bar of soap and clean off your penis thoroughly.
Nessa: Then get a towel and dry off. Please put your clothing back on prior to going outside.
Ryan: I’m still a bit scared we missed something.
Nessa: I think we’ve confused whoever searched for this tutorial even more than he was prior to asking.
8. pouring cum into her ass
Ryan: Okay, ignore everything I said above and just pour semen in her ass like a glass of Kool-Aid.
Nessa: Ha! You think that was the same guy still trying to figure out the proper method to cum in a woman’s ass?
Ryan: Apparently so. I guess he figured pouring or funneling would be easiest.
7. hairy wagina porno
Nessa: Starring Elmer Fudd.
Ryan: Wascally Wabbit Wagina featuring Juggs Bunny and Bare Rabbit.
Nessa: …Or Who Banged Roger Rabbit featuring Thumper.
Ryan: Ha, they both sound like hits to me.
Nessa: I’d watch them.
6. cum eat gay baby
Nessa: Is this some sort of abortion or new Chinese technique to get rid of gay children? Eat them.
Ryan: Sounds disgusting.
Nessa: Well, I am sure Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce would help.
Ryan: Really Nessa?
Nessa: I’m just saying, I didn’t make up the damn search term. Truthfully, I bet Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce would make gay babies taste much less disgusting.
Ryan: Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce is delicious.
Nessa: You’re damn right it is.
5. have you ever sucked cock at a wedding
Nessa: I sucked yours after ours. Does that count?
Ryan: I’m not sure. Judges?
4. hubby sucking best man
Ryan: Ha! So I guess the previous search term was a set up?
Nessa: Well answer my question.
Ryan: My best man was my father, so the answer is NO Nessa.
3. is it wrong to cum on your wife if she said no
Ryan: Probably, but the good thing is she is your wife so you have access to her panty drawer and her toothbrush.
Nessa: Oh my God. Seriously Ryan?
Ryan: Seriously. I mean, if your says no to letting you cum on her you should just wipe your sperm on her clean panties or toothbrush. It’s our instinct to mark our territory.
Nessa: That’s disgusting!
Ryan: Well, use Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce as toothpaste.
Nessa: It is delicious, I admit.
2. my wyf loves oder mans cum
Nessa: Someone in the trailer park got a laptop for Christmas.
Ryan: I’m going with an underaged trailer park occupant.
Nessa: He has a wyf though.
Ryan: Like I said, I am going with an underaged trailer park occupant.
Nessa: Ha, that’s true. How could someone that spells that poorly even use Google?
Ryan: Hopefully he Googles contraceptive.
Nessa: Too late already… he ended up at our site.
Nessa: The guilt has set in. We just helped create more.
Ryan: You can’t blame yourself baby. If it wasn’t our site it would have been “A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind” or “Sex.com.” You saved your friends the guilt.
1. cumming in ass while on steroids
Ryan: I call that a real Hulk Smash!
Nessa: I call that “1 night in Chyna”
Ryan: Ha, yea that too.
Ryan: We have no affiliation with Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce. We were not paid to promote its delicious flavor. However, if you were to try and eat gay babies, I would highly suggest getting Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce. Or if you think your husband is urinating or ejaculating on your toothbrush because you did not allow him to cum on you, use Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce as toothpaste.
Ryan: You are not supposed to talk on my closing disclaimer.
Nessa: Oh it’s like some sort of legal thing?
Ryan: Yes. People will think we are selling Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce or promoting eating gay children with Sweet Baby Ray’s deliciousness.
Nessa: It is yummy. I bet it really could make a gay baby taste like a gourmet meal.
Ryan: Gay babies… mmmmmm. Real soul food.
I saw this video this morning and thought it was entertaining. We’ve blogged a few articles regarding penis size and figured this would be an interesting watch for those having a slow Monday. More info below:
In 2006, Radio host Howard Stern organized a small penis contest on air. In the background, Howard Stern had the impression he had a small package. That’s why he decided to organize this contest. Around 18 participants showed up for the radio show. They walked in naked facing four judges and Howard Stern himself. For the first time ever, the small penis men reality was exposed on a medium. Those men have a short penis but you can see they look totally healthy and have a normal life. There is no other hint in their body that would let us know they have a small penis. Additionally, the testimonies from those small penis men highlight the cruel reality of women opinion about the small penis size.
This TV show also highlights the importance of fat as a parameter for penis size. The thinner you are, the bigger your penis is. If you are overweight, you will loose penis length size because of the fat pad length. Then, you will be able to insert less length during sexual intercourse if you are overweight.
Sometimes you make some good choices and sometimes you make some bad choices. Unfortunately this isn’t a story about a good choice. Fortunately it gives me something to actually write about.
So it’s Friday morning and Nessa and I have cleaned up the house a bit, especially our bedroom. Since our threesome adventures have started, the room has turned from our sacred place to a scary place after midnight on Fridays. This Friday in particular, we were going to have a cute girl coming over to hang out with us. Her face was so adorable and she had a personality that matched. We had been talking for a few weeks, but never had the chance to meet her face to face until now. From the multiple pictures she sent us, we could tell she was going to be a cutie. Nessa was so excited.
There were a few problems though, specifically little red flags I noticed when she told stories. For instance, her personality seemed real tomboyish to me. She also bragged about having a best friend who was married, but was never satisfied by her husband. She made sure to let Nessa know that she was the one her best friend came to when she needed to get off. I suggested to Nessa that I thought she was just a lesbian pretending to be into both of us to experience her. Nessa would laugh at my assumption, but didn’t really say much else.
Friday night came along and Nessa and I were outside sipping White Russians and relaxing. We knew our friend would arrive at our house soon so we were both a bit nervous. As her car pulled up I looked at Nessa and said, “You may as well go hug her first.” She laughed and told me to shush. She knew I was referring to her being a lesbian, but she paid me no mind. An older, larger lady got out of her vehicle and I started looking in the passenger side or backseat for our friend. I didn’t move towards the woman because honestly I had no idea who she was. I saw her and Nessa hug, but I figured Nessa was being extra friendly. I kind of glanced in the vehicle and noticed it was completely empty. I then looked back at the woman and said, “Oh, you’re Bertha?” Her name isn’t really Bertha, but for privacy reasons that is her name now.
Bertha looked back at me and said, “Yea, who did you think I was?”
I quickly responded as politely as possible, “I don’t know, someone lost looking for directions?” As I said that I made a sarcastic face and leaned toward her to give her a hug. She postured back a bit and gave me a halfway man hug. I really didn’t want to hug her anyway so I was okay with that.
First of all, she did not look like her pictures in the least. I’m not naive or anything, we’ve all been around the Internet long enough to know that everyone does the duck face and we all use our best pictures. However, I don’t see how anyone can take photos that look nothing like themselves at all and use them as a way to introduce themselves to strangers. I mean, I guess it gets your foot in the door, but it also almost guarantees you will never meet them again. Regardless, I knew this was going to be a long night.
I do not know if there is a better feeling than sitting around your bedroom with two beautiful women who are ready and willing to turn the lights off and all hop in bed together. Feeling a bit tipsy off Coke and rum definitely amplifies the moment.
I guess you could say I am a planner. I think Nessa and I discussed the different variables and scenarios that could happen hundreds of times. I felt like any mistake I made could tarnish her view of me forever, so I needed her to make her boundaries totally clear. If I penetrate and stick my dick in the other girl, I need to make sure I do not get carried away. If she says she wants me to pull out and taste the other girl’s pussy on my dick, I need to stop immediately. Although she said she was excited to see my dick slide inside another woman as she watched, I still felt a bit hesitant because this is a new boundary. She made it clear she doesn’t really want to see me fuck for a long period of time or keep trying to fuck her like some horny animal who has never seen pussy. She wants to see certain things, but she doesn’t want to see it in excess. She also said the same about oral, except with no real time boundaries. If you’ve seen Nessa’s videos or articles on oral sex, she is a true fan of a good blow job. With no real gag reflex, Nessa isn’t insecure about another woman giving me oral sex at all. She actually seemed overly excited about sharing my penis with another woman and fantasizing about sharing her dick during oral sex.
Back to the story…
So we are all a bit tipsy and sitting around the bedroom. The girl starts off sitting me on one side of the room and Nessa on the other. As she dances and removes her clothing, Nessa gets up and starts kissing her. I get up and leave the room to get another cup of Coke and rum.
Nessa commentary: I keep kissing her even as I am unaware that Ryan has left the room. I grab her ass and bite on her lower lip. “Do you want me to eat your pussy?” I whisper to her. “Mm-hmm,” she answers. “Oh, yea?” I say as if to question her. “Mm-hmm,” she says again. “Tell me then. Tell me you want me to eat your pussy,” I order. “I want you to eat my pussy,” she repeats after me. She lifts her sweater over her head and tosses it on the couch. She knows her role as she moves toward the head of the bed. I kiss her, lick her nipples, and move between her legs.