Nessa and I were getting ready for bed when I heard her say, “Do not turn around, get up slowly and move away from the bed.” When she said that, I knew I was under attack. I calmly got up and moved a step away from the bed. I then turned around and saw the largest wolf spider I have ever seen laying on my side of bed getting ready to go to sleep. Honestly, he may have had on pajamas but I was in shock and I really can’t remember what he was wearing. Maybe he read our threesome memoirs, but I am sorry spider, it’s not THAT type of party.
I yelled for Nessa to give me something hard to swat him with but instead she grabbed my pillow. Unsure what she was planning to do with my pillow, I stopped and watched her. She had the fire in her eyes and held my soft pillow like it was a battle axe. I knew the spider’s days were numbered. She jumped up on the bed and slammed her arms down as fast as she could smashing the spider with my cotton ball soft pillow. The pillow was no match. Nessa, now known as my female Pillow Warrior, immediately realized the pillow axe was useless. I could have sworn I saw the spider laughed after she lifted the pillow off of him.
Okay, the laugh part isn’t true, because the spider’s mouth was too small for me to actually see it move or laugh. I did hear what sounded like a laugh though. The next thing I know, this huge tank spider lunged at me. Maybe he thought I would save him from the Pillow Assassin. He seriously hopped maybe 1 foot off the bed towards my feet. I jumped back and screamed. Nessa yelled out, “Oh my god, it has super powers!”
The Pillow Queen met her match.
I summoned the gods with the remote control I had in my hand and dropped it with a force that shook the entire room. It’s just too bad I missed. The spider sprinted to hide under a chair. I lifted the chair with one hand throwing it across the room and swung again but this time connected. It crunched.
Super powers my ass.
Hopefully Nessa and I (really just Nessa) learned that pillows are not something you grab to kill large insects. In fact, the part of the story I left out for dramatic effect was me yelling, “No baby, don’t use my pillow, wtf, I don’t want spider guts on my fucking pillow! STOP!” I decided to take that out of the story. Especially because she totally ignored my pleading and tried to wack the spider with the pillow as hard as she could.