Random Moments With Us – Sexy Times With Gyros

gyrosThe other day I brought Ryan lunch. Nothing exciting – just a salad for him and a few eggrolls for me. We’re both trying to eat healthier, lighter, and in more reasonable amounts. We each took a few bites of our meals and fed a few more to each other. He asked for one of my eggrolls and I reluctantly gave one to him. He then offered me one of his slices of Texas toast, which I took even though I didn’t want it. I knew something was off for him. He put the lid back on his salad and said, “Let’s go get a gyro.”

“A gyro?” There was a little hole-in-the-wall Mom and Pops shop that sold hot dog, salads, and gyros, among other things. He had one several weeks ago and he raved about it. So we packed up our food and we drove down the street for a gyro.  “You know they’re made with lamb meat, right?” I asked.

“If they are, this shit is good!” he said.

“I haven’t seen any lamb around here in all the years we’ve been here. Actually, I think that hot dog shop signed an affiliation agreement with the local animal shelter,” I told him.

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Random Moments With Us – Interlocking Fingers

interlocking fingersSo Nessa and I were walking around a home improvement store when I saw an old friend I hadn’t seen in a while. I looked over to him and called out his name.  He smiled and walked over and asked how I was doing.   We talked for a few minutes and caught up with each other’s current events. My friend is a bit of a talker so I wanted to end the conversation without being rude.  I held up my hand above my head, as if to say “I’ll talk to you later, give me five.”  However, I do not give “fives” where I come from.  I give “daps.”  Usually the other person responds by leaving his hand low so we can basically clap hands and give each other daps.  In other words, a simple form of shaking hands / clapping hands to say goodbye.   My friend, who isn’t really a high school buddy or anything, just a guy I met when I moved to the South from California years ago. Apparently, he was not familiar with the daps tradition.   So instead of giving me daps, he reached up as if he was going to high five me.  However, instead of the classic high five, he latched on to my hand and interlocked fingers.   Interlocked fingers?  What the fuck?

Dog Look 1I glanced over at Nessa as my hands were entangled with my friend hoping she would dive across our arms and save me from this moment.  Sort of like when you grab an electric fence and someone needs to push you away from the current to save you from being electrocuted to death.  However, she left me for dead. Rather than saving me from the moment, she barely moved.  Do you know how when you say an unfamiliar word to a puppy they’ll cock their head sideways and give you this, “What the fuck are you talking about”  look?  That was her look.  She cocked her head sideways and just looked at our hands interlocked, then back to my eyes, then back to the hands.

Once I realized Nessa wasn’t going to save me, or pull me away from this disaster, I pulled myself away as fast as humanly possible…once the shock tapered off.   I admit, for a matter of seconds I was frozen, like a deer in headlights.  I had never interlocked my fingers with another man, and to be totally honest, I didn’t think it was even possible.  Truthfully, I thought a man’s fingers would give off a force that is similar to the negative effect of a magnet if they got close to another man’s fingers.  I really didn’t think it was scientifically possible for two men’s fingers to interlock.  I was wrong…very wrong.

But the interlocking fingers phenomenon doesn’t stop with this one moment.

Fast forward months later.  Mid threesome.  I was behind one of Nessa’s girlfriends, looking down on her ass and back as her face was between Nessa’s legs.  I shared my attention equally with the different things going on, from glancing down at my dick, at the other girl’s ass, at the back of her head eating out Nessa, and at Nessa’s reactions.  At one point, I believe the girl was moving her hands up to possibly play with Nessa’s nipples.  At the same time, I saw Nessa’s hands moving down to possibly hold her friend’s head against her crotch.  I say possibly, because neither of those things happened.  I saw the movements in slow motion.  It felt almost as if two cars were driving full speed at each other, with only one lane.

Confused_dogI wanted to scream, “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatch out, your hands are about to collide!”  But instead I just sat there, with my head kind of cocked sideways, and watched.   As their fingers interlocked, Nessa looked up at me, with her head also kind of sideways.  She cringed her eyebrows and looked down at her friend who wasn’t paying attention, as if to suggest, “What the fuck, really bitch, you are interlocking fingers?  You have to at least take me to dinner and by me a sexy outfit before you move up to fingers interlocking status.”

Nessa:

As our hands touched I cringed.  No offense, but this is a booty call, not a walk on a moonlit beach.   My eyes were piercing into Ryan’s soul sending him complex soul mate messages that only he could decipher.  When our eyes connected, I knew he got the message.  Relieved, I relax and breathe, knowing my hero was going to save me from this moment.  Then he looked away and slapped her ass, saying out loud, “Work that pussy on this cock.”  What?  Is that how he received my secret soul mate message? Bastard.  How about belly flopping in between us to break our hands apart?

I was desperate and apparently my bat signal wasn’t working correctly.  I knew what I had to do.  I closed my legs tightly around her head and screamed out that I was going to cum.  I forcefully freed my hands from her grips and grabbed the back of her head.  Still slightly upset, I pulled her face as hard as I could into my pussy and pretended it was because I couldn’t control myself.  I hope it hurt her nose.  I’m not proud of myself, but I had to do what I had to do to free my fingers.

**This wasn’t the only time a girl has tried this with me.  I also did a photo shoot in a bathtub with a friend, and while she ate my pussy, she reached up and interlocked our fingers.  We had candles out and the mood of the photograph was supposed to be somewhat romantic, so it worked.  However, it still felt awkward.

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Random Moments With Us – Fat Joe featuring Chris Brown “Another Round”

sandcastlesThe other day a song came on from my list of songs on my phone: “Another Round” by Fat Joe f. Chris Brown. I hadn’t heard it in a while, so I let it play. I know that Chris Brown is the new R. Kelly (a.k.a. douchebag personified) and I’m not a huge Fat Joe fan either, but if I were to choose between the lesser of two evils, I prefer Chris Brown. I know, I know. But I can’t deny he has a soft, creamy voice which has basically been the soundtrack to my “How I learned how to deepthroat” sessions several years ago. He holds a special place in my playlist.

So anyway, we’re listening to the lyrics to “Another Round” and although I’ve heard it a hundred times, we noticed something a bit odd about young Chris Brown’s solo toward the end of the song:

“Girl you got that bomb thing, no I can’t resist
I’mma light some candles girl, then tie up your wrists
Then i’m licking chocolate right up off your stomach
Baby you ain’t had no freaky shit like this

Ryan: Did he just call her vagina a thingy?
Nessa:
No, a bomb thing.
Ryan:
I haven’t called a vagina a thingy since like 3rd grade.
Nessa: So what are you saying?
Ryan:
The line just feels wrong like, Girl you got that bomb private part I can’t resist.
Nessa: Haha.  Or more like, “Girl you got that bomb pee pee area I can’t resist.”
Ryan:  “Girl you got that bomb yucky cootie place I can’t resist.”
Nessa: Let’s light candles and eat chocolate yum yums.
Ryan: What grade was he in when he wrote this?
Nessa: “Yeah, girl…do you like me? Circle 1 for yes and 2 for no. <3U4ever”
Ryan:Girl, I wanna take you out to dinner…at Chuck E. Cheese’s and eat pizza til our sides hurt…”
Nessa: “…and our arms go numb from playing skeeball a lot.”
Ryan:I’m freaky girl…I’ll buy you chocolates and that Garfield candle with the Chuck E. Cheese’ tickets we win.
Nessa:I wanna sit on the benches in the mall and engage is some massive heavy petting.
Ryan:You make my heart all warm like the Similac in my baba.
Nessa: Haha!

Yes, we sang those lines as if they were the actual song lyrics.  You try it.

P.S. Yes, they are in the video making sand castles.

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Booty Lovers – Why We Love Big Butts

big buttI think we credit Sir Mix-A-Lot and his bootay-celebrating ditty “Baby Got Back” for our culture’s love for big, juicy rears. And rightfully so. Since then, it catapulted an array of songs us ladies can proudly gyrate to (thank you to “Rump Shaker,” “My Humps,” and “Bootylicious.”) Very soon after we stopped becoming a “Does this make my butt look big” culture and started shamelessly twerking and slapping everyone’s ass left and right. It also created terms such as “badonkadonk” and “junk in the trunk.” We’ve all said them because they’ve become respectable terms in our vernacular, allowing women to be described as such as they wear it like a badge of honor.Even Queen front man agreed that “Fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round.” If a gay man can appreciate a voluptuous bootay, how can we NOT love it?venus-and-an-organist-and-a-little-dogBut let’s go back even fuuuurther. Take the mid-16th century painting “Venus and an Organist and a Little Dog.” Notice her wide hips, big arms, folding flaps of skin, stomach pouch: all these things that define a woman were more normal and acceptable than they are now. Why you ask? I think it’s easy to forget what a woman’s body represents, so here are a few reminders:

1) Womanhood – When we become women, our bodies are marked with hair, curves, and meatier parts. Over the years we’ve been bombarded by the media to shave, shave, shave. We get lured in with “10 Tricks to a Flatter Tummy” and “Get rid of those love handles in 14 days.” Being a woman doesn’t mean reverting back to our awkward middle school bodies.

As I say the above, my vagina is cleanly shaved and my tummy is a bit sore from doing sit-ups this morning when I woke up.

2) Being healthy – Ever heard someone say, “I like a woman with meat on her bones.” Why? Because it shows she’s healthy. She doesn’t deprive herself of nutrients, pleasures of the palate, and the simple joys in life, such as Baklava and homespun milkshakes.

Give me a moment, I am going to refill my glass of Diet Coke real fast.

Okay, I’m back.

3) Female virility – To me, this is equivalent to having a healthy sperm count; the ability to have children.

4) Padding – As silly as this sounds, women have that extra padding around their mid-sections to ensure the child in her body is protected. That last five pounds that you have to lose is most likely located in your belly. It’s an evolutionary defense that helps keep possible future embryo’s warm and protected.

5) “Baby-making hips” – The widening of hips are indicative of a woman’s body adjusting for housing a baby.

This reminds me of a scene from “Kingpin” when the Amish character, Ishmael, mocked and laughed at a slender woman for not having child bearing hips.

But what do these things have to do with a big butt? When you’re a child, you have a child’s body. As your face and body fill out, so does your butt. A full, round butt connotes adulthood, and thus, the ability for humans to procreate, a.k.a. advance the human race. Essentially, that’s what is ingrained in men: the need to pass their DNA to the healthiest female so that she may bear healthy children. As a bisexual woman, passing my DNA isn’t the reason I am attracted to a nice ass, but I do desire a real woman. And for me, nice curves connotes the idea of a real woman.

When I look at a woman, I size her up and down. I see how she does her hair, her make up, her clothes, and how she presents herself overall. I definitely look at her ass. When I first meet them and I start to get comfortable with them, I playfully squeeze their butt cheeks. Later, each squeeze gets harder and more flirtatious. Eventually, when we’re in the bedroom, I grab her ass aggressively, digging my nails beneath the folds where her cheeks meets the back of her thigh. I even love slapping her cheeks, which lets her know that I love and appreciate a woman’s body in all its smooth and jiggly places.

I’ve been with a woman who had a very small and slender body. It’s fun regardless, but not my preference. I wouldn’t judge her though, because she can’t help her genetics. However, I would stand in front of her, feeling her ass while we kiss, and I just want more to grab. It’s almost like when you are moving furniture and you’re holding onto something that has no place for your hands to grip. So instead of being able to grab and easily carry the item, you simply squeeze your hands together and lift, hoping it doesn’t fall. With the more curvy women I’ve been with, it’s like moving furniture and having the perfect place to put your hands. It makes moving so much easier.

I love hips, waist, something I can grab onto as I’m using my strap-on to fuck her. I don’t want to feel her hip bones or grab her ass and I have to pretend I am pitching a baby’s cheeks. I want two handfuls of meat. I want it to vibrate when I slap them. I want her ass cheeks bouncing against me when he slams her body into mine.

A woman with a big butt is one of my weaknesses, and when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty waist and a round thing in my face I get sprung.

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Random Moments With Us – Caught Lube Handed

Coconut OilLast week I went to the drug store to pick up some coconut oil. I prefer the drug store because it has the brand we know and trust and it comes in a big container. We have another brand of the same size, but I’m just not happy with it.

After finding the coconut oil, I hand it to the cashier, thinking nothing of my purchase. She scans the tub and looks at it for a moment as a man approaches the register and waits beside me. “I’m looking at this because…” she begins to say and looks at me. “Now, you use this for cooking, right?”

I look at her with paranoid eyes and feel the eyes of the man standing beside me burning a hole into my brain. “Umm…I…umm…” My mind races trying to remember the other uses of coconut oil. But the only things I could think of were sex lube and massage oil.

I must have taken too long to answer because she says, “Because of a friend of mine told me that she uses it to massage her feet.”

“YES!” I exclaim. “That’s what I heard, too. That you can use it as a massage oil.”  She nods her head in agreement and I feel more confident at that moment. I add on to her suggestion and get a little creative, “It’s really good for your skin and hair, too. I just take whatever’s left on my hands and run it through my hair.”

“Ah, okay. I’m thinking about getting some myself,” she says.

“Yea you should, and it also tastes great. This is our second container because we use so much of it.”

Then I stopped talking, realizing I had probably said too much.  Either this cashier thinks my husband and I use coconut oil as french fry grease to make our fish and fries, or I enjoy eating hair.  I quieting grabbed my bag and removed myself from the store.

…I guess that’s better than her knowing I’ve used two containers as ass lard.

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