His Mistress, Aka His Job

busy workingRyan and I talked recently about a shift in job responsibilities in his office. He told me that he would be taking on more of these responsibilities and because of that his pay would increase, as expected. After the first day I could sense that the adjustment was intense. He was tired, weary. He’d spent the regular 9 hours at work, but the hours in his day were more…full, like his day was a glass of ice and the additional work was getting slowly poured in like a pitcher of warm water. Eventually his day would be pure work, no time to message me throughout the day, to look at pictures I send him, or to jot down blog ideas.

I thought about the old me, the one who was constantly needy, the one who made a pouty face when she didn’t get her way, the one who always wanted to be around her man. Some of that hasn’t changed. I am very needy. In fact, I watch movies now and see couples who seem too trusting. I get upset at the woman and start screaming obscenities at her. “Why the FUCK would you let him go shopping with his ex-girlfriend?! Bitch, grow a pair and put your foot down.” My pouty face? I choose to avoid creating wrinkles on my smooth, supple skin, so I don’t pout anymore. Instead, I reason with Ryan, telling him to bond with his friends, build camaraderie, and get some cardio in, and in exchange, this upcoming weekend he’s helping me clean out my closet and playing video games with me. An even trade, in my opinion. As far as always wanting to be around my man? Unfortunately, this hasn’t changed. In fact, I have a confession to make. A few weeks, Ryan went to the gym and was gone for about four hours. It was mid-morning, he wasn’t clubbing, he wasn’t drinking, he wasn’t out having a good time without me, he didn’t have a delicious meal while I sucked on a packet of Splenda alone. When he came home, I felt relieved that he was with me again, as I always do. I don’t question him about what happened. I know what happened. He has earned his trust  with me and I know he’d love to blend his hobbies and his time with me into one big super mega funfest. That’s not always going to happen. But when he came home I was kind of blah-feeling, like something was missing. He was in a great mood, so it’s not like he plopped down and went to bed and asked me to wake him up when it was time for dinner. I soon realized that I feel this way because I feel like I’ve lost time with him, time I won’t get back. I feel a slight depression, and that depression quickly turns to anger. I get frustrated because I feel like that is my time, and only I have a right to it. In many ways, the old me still creeps in the shadows and pokes her ugly head out.

But back to my original point. I knew that Ryan’s workload would double, and I knew it would affect our relationship no matter what we did to avoid it. Although the thought of having a little more money coming in would be nice, I quickly realized that it would mean supporting Ryan…and our Circle. Our circle was born out of a need to ensure that we spend time with each other everyday; it was to keep us on the other’s mind throughout the day. When we spent time in the morning (dick sucking, a quick stick of his penis in my ass, a bj that ended with a stomach full of his cum, etc.), I got texts, conversation, and pictures from Ryan. I knew that these would lessen if not stop altogether. And that’s what I was preparing myself for. Fortunately, they didn’t stop altogether. I knew it was just a matter of time before he felt comfortable in his new role.

To grow as a wife meant that I would have to adjust to the changes in our lives. He would still be there, working hard for his family, and not gallivanting around the Internet. And because his attention is not necessarily aimed toward me, but rather FOR me, I have to accept that he is still supporting me and still has his mind on me. The Circle works because we both work at our relationship. He has adjusted to his own changes (at work) and that means I will support him in the choices he makes for us and his family.

Q&A: I Quit Shaving My Face Until My Wife Shaves

ladywithbeardShe is really upset and hates my new beard.  She has said something to me a number of times about wanting me to shave. So I asked her are you going to shave for me? Of course, she says no. I don’t know if I’m to shave soon or decide to fuck it and see if I can get her to see my side on this. She says it hurts when she shaves when it grows back in. Well, my face doesn’t exactly feel awesome when I have to shave daily or close to daily either.

What do you guys think?

Venice’s response:
Shaving for the first time will cause a lot of irritation. That’s a fact. Whether you’re 18-years-old and shaving for the first time because all the girls in your sorority are doing it or you’re a regular shaver and you’re shaving for the firs time in weeks. It will itch like crazy, your skin will be irritated, and it may even get raw from the excessive scratching you may do in the ensuing days. But I do feel that once she does shave a few times, she will get used to it. And if she shaves at least twice a week to maintain its baldness, her skin will get more “calloused” and will grow accustomed to the shaving. It will stop itching, and unless she cuts herself, the stinging sensation is only temporary, just like a man who shaves his face.

In my opinion, I believe men and women should at least make an attempt to do what his/her partner asks of them. Why be so close minded? How does that positively affect the relationship by saying no? It shows you’re stubborn, it shows you’re selfish, and most of all, it shows you’re not willing to make the other person happy. The first time Ryan asked to ejaculate on my face, I was pretty scared. Why? Because some had gotten in my eye and it was just a bad experience for me. But after I got over it, and rather than thinking of the negative aspects, I thought about how I’d be pleasing him, how it would turn him on, how it would make him love me just a little more (yes, it’s possible even if he says “I love you with all my heart”), and how I’d be fulfilling a fantasy of his. Me. He could see other chicks do it and say, “Just like how my woman does it, but it’s better because it’s her.” How can I ever tell him no to anything when I’m the one he wants to do these things to?

In your case, it seems like you want to turn this into a tug-of-war by saying “My face doesn’t exactly feel awesome when I have to shave daily.” Pretty juvenile. If neither of you will comply with the other’s wishes, then neither of you should complain.

Ryan’s response:
I imagine in a few months you will be looking like Forrest Gump when he was running the map.  And your wife’s vagina will also still be a glorious forest of love.

I think what you are doing is silly.  Communicate with your wife and let her know how important it is that she shaves.  If she has her reasons why she doesn’t want to shave, and they are sincere, then you will just have to accept those reasons and take into consideration the type of person you chose to spend the rest of your life with. What you are doing isn’t sincere, that’s the difference. You are not shaving because you want to teach her a lesson.  She is not shaving because it hurts and makes her feel uncomfortable.  Big difference. Your not shaving is out of spite, and in my opinion, a very immature way to get your point across.

I do tend to agree that your spouse should naturally do things that make you happy though.  For instance, waking up and fixing her hair may not be the funnest thing in the world to do.  In fact, I am sure everyone would like 5 more minutes of sleep.  Not to mention, I am sure her hair may snag and feel comfortable until she gets the kinks out, but she still does it.  She does this to make herself presentable and decent to the world.  Whether it be makeup, high heels, thongs, or anything women do that isn’t necessarily comfortable, just to make themselves look good and feel sexy.  Why wouldn’t she put up with a little discomfort if it makes you happy?

I find it lazy and selfish to ignore the small things you would appreciate her doing, but that still doesn’t change the fact that you not shaving out of spite isn’t the way to “teach her a lesson.”  She isn’t a dog or lab rat.  Your marriage shouldn’t resemble a psychology lesson. Communicate with her and let her know how important her shaving is for you.  If she decides she doesn’t care, then you know what type of person you are spending the rest of your life with.   Not that her jungle below is enough to file for divorce over, but the small red flags of selfish behavior definitely snowball into problems in the future.

Good luck.

TAGS: shaving your vagina

My Children vs My Relationship With My Parents

143382566My parents have been together a long time, almost 40 years. I’ve seen them go through a lo— never mind. I haven’t seen them go through much. Why? Because I was raised in a typical Asian household. What I mean by that is it was hard to talk to them because I couldn’t talk back, i.e., question their authority and/or parenting skills, which made it hard for me to talk to them at all. I felt a lot of resentment and bitterness because I considered myself a good kid despite living in an environment of abuse, betrayal, little emotional support…and murder. That’s right..murder. I had two rabbits, John and Marsha, who had four little rabbits. I came back and they just happened to “run away.” I was crushed. A few years later, I spent the Fourth of July with my aunt and uncle, but before I left I told my parents that my cockatiel needed more bird food. When I came back it was dead. I don’t know how I survived my childhood living with serial murderers.

I don’t want this blog to be a bitchfest about what awful parents I had. They weren’t perfect, but they, like most people, are better grandparents than they were parents. That alone can ease a lot of hurt and release grudges that people my age with children may have. And I know that I could have had it much worse. Today, I count my blessings and have come to peace their shortcomings as parents and mine as a daughter.

My upbringing and family life were big reasons I didn’t think I’d be a great wife or mother. All my mom taught me was to go to school, school, school. Keep my room clean, and go to school. It was a very simple relationship, mine and my mother’s. She spoke highly of me when I was still there and from what I can tell, after I left. But after having kids of my own, I wanted to be more than what she was. I wanted to be a better mother than she was, and I wanted to be a better wife than she was.

From early on in our budding parenthood, I knew that Ryan and I weren’t raising our kid in a conventional way. We were so protective of our daughter and it resulted from the three of us being close. We didn’t live near any relatives, so she went with us everywhere. Our date nights were at Chuck E. Cheese and our best investments was a video tape rewinder for our movie collection (thank goodness for Blockbuster VHS movie sales). We were tight on money, but damn, we were happy.

She loved to hold our hands, snuggle, and we goofed around. She would play the Rugrats video game on the Playstation as I did homework next to her. When she stopped drawing three stick figures of her family, it was quickly replaced with love notes all over the house, in my purse, on the refrigerator addressing me and Ryan as her “best friends.” She didn’t understand why her friends at school were talking shit about their parents or why they get pissed off when their parents friend them on Facebook. These were such foreign concepts to her.

Our relationship with her and how we raised her was vastly different than how he and I were raised. We were judged for not putting her in daycare, for not having playing dates, for not forcing her to sleep in her own room as she got out of diapers, for letting her stay up late with us, just to name a few. But what she was “lacking” from those experiences, was replaced by the bonding we did by always being together. And as she got older, Ryan and I decided to be open parents with her, and subsequently, her younger siblings.

1) Open conversations. Like with any relationship you have, it’s always advised that honesty is the best policy. We don’t try to disgust her or embarrass her. But if my parent radar goes off, my immediate response is to let her know that I was a girl once too (and later, a teenage girl). I found that she was easier to talk to when she knew that we I’d gone through the same thing.

2) Drinking and other grown-up activities. For the first 15 years of our marriage we never drank. But when we did, it was always on a Friday and it was always in our home. This meant our kids would be home. I was hesitant at first because we emphasized “no drinking” for so long. I remember seeing my dad’s arm slung over my mom’s shoulder after a night of drinking in the backyard, giggling but at the same time feeling awkward. We didn’t want our kids feeling that same awkwardness with us, so we let them know that we don’t drink outside of home, which means we never drink and drive. Ideally, parents would try to shield these types of habits, but when it’s not possible, honesty is a perfect second best.

3) Honesty. Being called out for hypocrisy is embarrassing. Rather than tell our kids, “Don’t ever drink, smoke, or do drugs,” we tell them, “Yea, we tried it and wasn’t as great as people made out to be.” Clearly my goal is not to be parent of the year, but I think kids appreciate it more if we are honest and know that we make mistakes.

4) Being friends. Having girls makes it easier for me to relate to them. They’re always asking to borrow my clothes, hair accessories, and feminine products. She wants me to cut her hair? Dye it? I’m there for her. They show me songs to add to my playlist and viral videos to laugh at. They’re definitely my friends in that I listen to how their day went at school and I give them impartial advice.

5) Apologies. If I’m wrong, I apologize. Simple as that. And I expect the same from them.

6) Our primary role. I love the relationship we have with our kids. They tell us they love us when they leave the house, they tell me to have a great day at work, and they feel bad if they get don’t hug us back. “I know you’re mad at me, babygirl, but I’m going to give you a hug anyway. You don’t have to hug me back, but I want you to know I love you no matter what.” Works every time.

7) Open door policy. If our kids come to us and say, “Can I talk to you guys?” we drop everything or at least plan for a talk after dinner. We discuss everything as thoroughly as possible and leave nothing unanswered. We end each conversation by reinforcing that we have an open door policy and they always come first.

These seven things were NEVER discussed with me. I grew up being told that my parents had the final say, and if they were wrong, then time would probably make me forget it. Wrong. It’s not how relationships work – not with your employees/employers, not with your friends, not with your family, and certainly not with your children. Not only do I learn to do something by example, I also learn NOT to do something by example. Part of having a good relationship with our children is having a good relationship with Ryan and making sure that we’re on the same page in how we raise them. I didn’t know it, but I’ve become the parent that I wanted and the parent I want to be.  My Relationship With My Parents My 

Reviews: Pulse II Duo by Hot Octopus

IMG_20150419_234246When we got this item in the mail, the presentation really impressed us.  The boxing of the Pulse II almost feels like you are opening fine jewelry.   The outside of the box has a nice mirror like effect, and the item is packaged with a small cloth pouch.  It feels soft and looks almost like a toy built for royalty.  The creators really took time in developing this tool.   First impressions are everything, and this item looks so classy that I felt like I needed to go wash my penis before I dared put it around my cock.

Using the Pulse II Duo was an interesting experience. The website claims it is a tool to help with foreplay, and I agree.   It is a great tool for foreplay.  Imagine laying on your back and taking a Hitachi Wand and resting it across your penis/frenulum (the sensitive area underneath your head on the underside of your shaft).  As you lay there, your lady friend gets on top of you and nicely places her clit and vagina on the other side of the Hitachi Wand.  You both lay together and move with each other, waiting to see if either of you orgasm.  Obviously, with the Hitachi Wand, you’d have the wand in the way, as well as the cord.  With the Pulse II Duo, that isn’t an issue.  It’s hands free.  Literally, imagine just the head of the Hitachi Wand wrapped around your penis, with a vibrating pulse on the underside of your shaft, and a second vibrating pulse on the outside (for the vagina). No cord, no wand, no need for hands.  It feels great and I experienced some things I had never experienced before, which is why this truly is a great tool for foreplay.

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Love at First Sight Does Not Exist

love-at-first-sightI think about what people mean when they say “It was love at first sight.” Clearly it means when they first saw their significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend, lover, etc., that he/she was in love INSTANTLY. It’s a laughable concept, but valid to those who’ve experienced it. In the days before I met Ryan, in middle school, and certainly in the time when I had no desire to get married, I saw a boy who I thought was super cute. I stared at him as I walked from third to fourth period. I had never heard him talk, I didn’t know if he was AP classes or in remedial classes, and I didn’t know if he beat his dog. All of which were fairly important to me. After a few days, I decided to make a move in the best way a middle schooler could – I made a slam book. If you don’t know what this is, it’s an interview book of sorts and it was a big deal when I was growing up. Basically it’s a binder with loose leaf paper in it and each page has a question on it: name, favorite color, favorite movie, favorite actress/actor, and “If you were stuck at the top of a Ferris Wheel, who would you want to be with?” My slam book included a page entitled “Phone Number,” because I’m slick. I had all my friends fill it out just for show, then one of them gave it to my crush for him to do the same. All that just to get him to write his phone number. And he did. To make a long story short, I, the stalker, became the stalkee, and it was the most grueling 58 days of my life. Because this was during the summer, I was saved from the future embarrassment of seeing him around school and people knowing that we “went out.” This validated the belief that love at first sight is bull crap.

So why do we look at someone and think, “I love him”? Our instincts are not very cerebral. In fact, they’re just the opposite. I believe that our love at first sight is very instinctual and has not evolved a past simple evolutionary survival mechanism: to find someone to have our children.

This is why women look at a man and instantly notice his muscular body. Why? Because he can protect you and your children from predators. It seems that we’ve come in full circle with our priorities and needs. In the caveman days, or at least what we see in museums and TV shows/movies, we see the hairy cave man, his bigger, bulkier body next to a clearly smaller, cave woman (presumably his wife). He is raising up his club to the sabertooth tiger while his woman cowers behind him. Is this how it really was millions of years ago? Who knows. But probably yes. To be honest, this is probably one of the widely-recognized moments where we’re exposed to what a man is supposed to do in life: protect his woman. We carry this with us and believe that men should be protective, chivalrous, and willing to die for her.

It’s in a man’s DNA. Literally. A man is naturally built taller, stronger, faster (or at least has the capacity to be all these things). Taller to shield her from peril, stronger to fend off predators, and faster to get to her quickly if she’s danger. To a woman, his physique is a reflection of just how able, capable, and prepared he is to care for her. In the days when we lived in caves, the real danger for a human male wasn’t society or poverty or having to prove himself to corporate bosses, but rather to fend off animals, the elements, and having to provide the most basic of needs for his woman, a.k.a. the person who will ensure his DNA is passed on.

This is probably why women’s eyes are inherently drawn to a tall, muscular man rather than someone who can provide a stable home and a steady income. Similarly, this “bad boy” is someone we associate ruthlessness and inhibition – the type of man who goes against the grain, whose strength not only lies in his muscles, but in his demeanor, character, and temper; the kind of man who’s rebellious at the cost of being shunned and looked down upon for having the strength to go against norms.

unnamedThat’s why Brenda Walsh and Kelly what’s-her-face drooled, then fought, over Dylan.

 

 

 

 

 

unnamed (2)See that cheesy grin on Ferris Bueller’s sister’s face when was caught cozying up to Charlie Sheen?

 

 

 

 

 

unnamed (1)And that’s why Kate always bounced back between Jack and Sawyer.

 

 

 

 

 

Jack-and-Rose-jack-and-rose-27588593-1500-989

And that’s why Rose would rather be poor and live with Jack. He made sure her heart did go on.

 

 

 

 

Even in the days before I could understand what love is, I knew that love at first sight was a big, steamy load of shit. The problem with seeing someone and claiming that you’ve found your soulmate is that you’re saying your eyes have made the decision to single out one person on this Earth before scouting out other prospectives and allow you to love him/her in a way that you love your mother or father, best friend, and do anything for them. Physical appearances are THAT important; so important that everything about them (morals, personality, or how good in bed they are, although most people probably assume that a good looking person would be a fantastic fuck). Because, let’s admit it, is a 25-year-old bodybuilder going to see a 250-pound woman riding around Wal-Mart in a Hoveround and think, “I want her to have my babies”? Probably not.While we all desire different traits for our progeny, let me list a few that I believe represent what most of look for. Let me add that this initial “love at first sight” encounter does not take place at the work place. Why? Because then other factors come into play: social status, salary, and peer interaction – all of which have nothing to do with love at first sight, but rather secondary elements:

1) First and foremost, physical attraction. Because we all have a different idea of what a beautiful person is, this will vary. Some will only date blue-eye women, Hispanic men, redheads, long-haired women, or dark-haired men. And this may be the only thing that they’re attracted to.

2) Muscles – This goes for both men and women. Since muscles are under our layers of fat, they’re rarely seen. So to see a person’s biceps, calf muscles, or my favorite, traps, shows the effort and determination it takes to expose those muscles. This denotes an absence of laziness.

3) Youthfulness – For a woman, a young(er) man generally has a more powerful libido,” For a man, a younger woman means she is probably still in her child-bearing years (this goes back to ensuring we find someone to pass on our DNA). For both men and women, a younger mate helps to rejuvenate their youth and make them feel young.

4) Tan skin – When someone is sickly or about to vomit, they’re said to look like they’re losing their color. Tan skin, or anything even half a shade darker college ruled paper, signifies health and even strength. Example: every single Mr. Olympia contestant.

5) How you present yourself – “I can’t believe you left the house like that!” It’s why we dress up, even when we get gas. We are walking advertisements and we are selling ourselves.

6) Interaction with kids – Think parks and why women swoon over men who are good with children, their own or others. “Oh my! He’s such a good father.”

When I first saw Ryan, I was instantly physically attracted to him: his slim 6’4″ build, dark hair, hazel eyes – he was my ideal man and nothing anyone before him ever was. If love at first sight stopped at just his appearance, then it would have been perfect. The end. And we lived happily ever after. But we had growing to do. I had to learn his personality; I had to learn how to communicate with him; I had to adjust hobbies and interests; I had to learn his pet peeves; and we both had to make sure our spirits were in love. THAT can’t be determined in the first 4 seconds of seeing someone.