Random Moments – Our First Threesome

asian doctorYears ago, when Venice and I were still dating, we explored each other’s bodies daily.  I had never really touched my body, my testicles, and as I already mentioned in a previous article, I masturbated prone.   I was young, around 19 years old, and during a blow job while standing up Venice felt a lump in my testicles.  This was a first for me, as I had never really explored my testicles and didn’t really know what all the different textures felt like.  After she showed me, I also felt the lump.  This freaked me out so I made an appointment with a doctor on a military base.  I was still a military dependent in college, so I could still use the on base facilities.

On the day of my appointment, I was a bit nervous.  I had never dropped my pants in front of a doctor so I didn’t know what to expect. What’s funny is, growing up I played sports but was extremely shy, so my dad would sign the all my sports physical forms, as a doctor, to save me from having to drop my pants and cough while I was a teenager.  I know that sounds dumb but I appreciated not having to be humiliated. I probably wouldn’t have played sports in school if my dad actually made me go to a doctor prior.  I hated the idea of exposing myself.  I also didn’t think I needed a doctor to fondle my nuts while I coughed to know that I could play basketball (which I played every day my whole life up until that point).

Back to my lump.  As Venice and I sat in the back room waiting for the doctor to enter, we heard a female voice next door talking to a nurse.

“Seargent Tucker came in today again,” the first female voice announced.

“Oh no,”  Responded the female second voice.  “Again?”

“Yes, I walked in the room this time and he had his penis already out, exposing himself to me.  This is the 3rd time this week he has came in and had me check him,” said the first female voice.

“That’s ridiculous,” responded the second female voice.

“While I am checking him he starts getting an erection so I stopped immediately,” says the first female voice.

“You should call his commanding office and let him know what he is doing,” the second female voice responded.

At that point I made a funny face and looked at Venice.  Venice looked back at me and made a hand motion of someone giving oral sex and fondling a man’s balls.  I couldn’t help but laugh.  I suppose on military facilities there isn’t really a “knock before you enter” protocol because my physician entered the room and caught Venice giving oral sex to air while I was watching and laughing.  What a great start for such an embarrassing situation for me.

lucy-liu-beach-253734749The doctor, an Asian lady that resembled Lucy Liu, asked if she was interrupting something.  Like two shamed school kids, we both looked down and shook our heads no.  She then asked me what my reasons were for coming in that day. I explained to her that we found a lump in my testicles and wanted to know if I was dying.   She asked me to stand up and remove my pants so she could have a look.

Jeez, slow down Doc.

So, let me list all the things going through my mind:

  • Doctor, how long do I have to live?
  • I hope Venice doesn’t slap this doctor for touching me.
  • Please penis, don’t be “just stepped out of a cold pool” tiny right now.
  • I hope the doctor doesn’t laugh at my penis.
  • I hope my dick isn’t swollen or too big.  I don’t want her to think I am Seargent Tucker
  • Will she be able to tell that my penis is crooked just by looking at?
  • Oh God, why the fuck does she have to be a woman.
  • Oh God, why the fuck does she have to be a Asian woman.
  • Oh God, why the fuck does she have to be a cute Asian woman.
  • I hope the doctor doesn’t excite me and cause my penis to grow.
  • Her hands better be warm if she touches my balls.

Seriously, what the fuck is the proper etiquette with your penis when a doctor enters the room?  Is it allowed to be stretched a bit so it isn’t totally shriveled?

1Not to be a pervert, but I can see why Seargent Tucker seemed to be having so many penis problems himself.  This doctor was adorable.  I started counting sheep in my head trying not to think about anything sexual.  I was extremely embarrassed about exposing myself to a doctor, as the only person that had ever seen me nude was Venice, but I guess you can say I have this thing for Asian women.   Doctor or no doctor, I said a small prayer asking the Lord to please help me control my penis so it does not make any sudden movements.  I pulled my pants down and watched the doctor eyeball my penis and testicles.  She fondled me for a few moments and couldn’t find the lump.  I asked if I could show her where, and she nodded.  I put my finger on the area of the lump and she placed her hand where I was pointing.  She confirmed she also felt a lump and asked me to lay down.  I still had my pants halfway down to my knees and wobbled my way to the patient table.  I looked over to Venice, who was making her tongue poke out the side of her cheek inside her mouth, to suggest a blow job, and gave her a dirty look.   As I laid there naked, exposed to the doctor who was fondling my balls, with my girlfriend watching, I wanted to disappear from earth.  I hated every second of it.  I really felt even more stupid when I found out there was nothing wrong with my testicles and it was merely a bent vein in my sac that hardens (when my testicles are not fully sagging) when I stand up.

Years later Venice teases me about this situation and calls it our first threesome.

My Young Mind – Why I Love Ryan

Page 1The other day, Ryan (Mahal) and I were looking through his box of memories. It was filled pictures of me through various stages of my life, movie stubs, receipts from local movie rental stores, postage from care packages, candy wrappers, and letters I’d written to him while he was away at college. Sometimes on a roll of cash register paper that he’d have to unfurl to read, sometimes on cardboard packaging, and sometimes on college ruled paper. We spent most of that night looking at his memories. He cried a few times as he remembered how in love we were, and still are. It’s like we blinked and we went from being giddy teenagers without a care in the world to being married, raising our young, and spending our days together doing yard work and taking vacations and caring for each other.

Here is one of the letters that I wrote to Ryan reminding him (and me) of the many reason why I love him.  Please keep in mind, I was young and he was my first real love. Also, emoticons were around before computers!

1) he took my virginity

2) i took his virginity

3) he likes to talk to me

4) he listens to me when i bark

5) he licks my back and makes me feel tingly

6) when we kiss, he looks with his eyes open

7) he gets me drinks when i’m thirsty

8) he massages my feet when i just take off my shoes and they’re all hot and sweaty

9) i’ve felt every feeling except [anger] towards/with him

10) he’s my best friend in the world

11) he learned to comb my hair and make it tangle free

12) he puts puzzle pieces together and helps me find the pieces i need

13) he eats food from my mouth

14) he eats already chewed up stuff from my mouth, so all he has to do is swallow

15) he massages my back

16) he likes to go grocery shopping with me

17) i like how he looks in baggy jeans

18) he answers all my questions when i think he’s not paying attention

19) he licked my molars with his tongue

20) he ate ice cream off of me

21) i talk to him as my boyfriend or my best friend

22) he has a cutesy face

23) he has a cutesy smile

24) he has a cutesy butt

25) he has cutesy hands

26) when he’s mad he looks even more cutesy

27) he is a little shy boy

28) he’s a real talkative man

29) he says “ihh…you put ice in your milk! That’s gross” and then goes home and ices his milk

30) he rubs off on me

31) i rub off on him

32) we rub off on each other

33) he cares about my feelings

34) he cares if im mad

35) he calls me collect and says to call him back as his “name”

36) he talks like a little baby sometimes

37) he talks like a grown-up

38) he copies the things i do and say

39) he looks cute when he thinks too hard

40) he looks good with a shirt off

41) he reminds me to put my seatbelt and slow down when i drive too fast

42) he holds my hand (and sometimes puts his arm around me) in public

43) he made my bed

44) he knows how to share his toys

45) he gives me whatever i want

46) he gives me piggy back rides

47) he does what i tell him

48) he doesn’t let his eyes wander

49) he wrote poems for me

50) when we ice skate he holds my hand

51) he likes how i look

52) he sends me things in the mail

53) he kisses so well!

54) he has a cutesy face

55) he’s smart

56) he would never cheat on me

57) i get all his attention

58) he eats ghetto cheese and mountain dew

59) he likes the stories and poems i write

60) he lets me cut his nails

61) he wants to do nasty things

62) he asks to do nasty things

63) he cries when he feels like it

64) he lets me in the bathroom when he’s peeing

65) he learned a lot of things from me

66) he made me believe that i can really love someone

67) he shows me off

68) he started liking Jon B. when he only liked rap

69) he has a cutesy face

70) he is thoughtful to me

71) he makes my heart flutter

72) he’s honest

73) he likes to be clean

74) he likes to get dirty

75) he’s a deep thinker

76) I’m the happiest when I’m with him

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Q&A – Negotiating For A Blow Job

ProstitutionIf you have not had a blowjob for a bunch of years, don’t give up all hope.

I didn’t keep track of the exact date, I didn’t know it was so important at the time, but somewhere around 7 years ago I got my last blowjob.

I read about keeping yourself clean, and doing more housework and bla bla bla, which for my case was a complete waste of time because I already do all that.

So it seems to me the key factors are that my wife went on a trip without me for a few months, I think this allowed her to really see how other people live and what it was like when I am not around to do things for her. If we had not had this break I think nothing would have changed.

Then when she got back she wanted to see a show in Las Vegas, which was not unusual. So I bought the plane and show tickets. Then right before we left we were getting along pretty good so I suggested that if she liked the show maybe I could get a reward in the way of a BJ. She thought about it and kind of made a joke that if it was a good show then I would get one.

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Random Moments – Exercising Nude To The New Kids On The Block

blackoutRyan and I went out to eat last night at our local wings bar. As we made our way home, we saw a huge, gray mass in the sky hovering near our house. Flashes of lightning lit up the sky as we pulled up into the driveway. The wind picked up when we got into the house and I feared one of the pine trees in the backyard would surely topple over. Thunder shook the house; I thought Ryan was hitting the wall from behind the closet door. It felt was that close. As I put some french fries in the oven for everyone to eat with the hamburgers I made the night before, the lights flickered for a split second. But I wasn’t worried because this is very normal and very expected during a storm.

A few minutes later, however, the entire house powered down and I stood for a moment waiting for everything to turn back on. I made my way to the cupboard above the stove and took out a box of matches and several tea lights. I placed several around the kitchen and some in the master bedroom where we were all congregated. We were all on our phones, but for some reason my connection was spotty. I decided to watch a movie on my phone, confident that I could get at least halfway through on the 52% battery life I currently had.

“You should turn off your phone just in case the power doesn’t turn back on.  You’ll need it as an alarm tomorrow morning,” Ryan said.

Reluctantly, I turned off my phone and plugged in my charger anyway. Just in case. “Arrgh! What did people do back in the 1960s and whatnot?!” I look around at everyone’s faces lit up by the their 4G glow mocking me as I sat in my own corner of darkness. I stood up and felt around for my sports bra. I made my way to the garage in just panties and a sports bra, stumbling over scooters, shoes, and a 12-pack of bottled water. I took three tea lights and set one next to me as I climbed onto my elliptical machine. I do 30 minutes in the evenings, but tonight was going to be a challenge. I had no way to monitor my speed and for how long I’ve been exercising. Ryan came in and shone the flashlight over the monitor so I could fix my settings. “I’ll be back to check on you in a bit.”

tumblr_nlh0dz9IGP1sq616go1_250So I began moving my arms and legs. My mind started to feed on itself. “Is that a light out there? Or is that lightning? Is someone out there with a flashlight? Are they going to break in and kill us like in ‘The Strangers’ with Liv Tyler? How fast can I get in the house, grab my phone so I can call 911, gather my kids into Ryan’s closet while he gets the gun loaded? It’s the light again! That’s not lightning! What if my legs are too wobbly to make it out of the garage? What if I trip over the bottle water? There’s the light again! Can they hear my elliptical machine from out there? Should I tell Ryan? I don’t want to die without pants on! There goes the light ag–WHO THE FUCK IS OUT THERE?!?!”

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Prone Masturbation – The Embarrassing Truth

gandy6It is estimated that 90 percent of males regularly masturbate by using their hand(s), which is considered normal.  About 5-10 percent masturbate in what is called, a prone masturbation position.   This is a technique learned by young boys where you lay face down and dry hump either your hand, a pillow, a rolled up towel or sheet, or even a stuffed animal (Sorry Ted).  Now, the term “rolled up towel” may be a bit misleading, because some people may think that they actually insert their penis inside the hole and try to mock a vagina sensation.  This is not what I mean. The towel is rolled up to create a solid object, so the man can lay on top of it and grind / dry hump it.  Most men that masturbate prone, actually prefer not to have an erection. Prone masturbation with an erection is extremely painful and crushes the erect penis (and engorged urethra) between the object and your own pubic bone, and pushes the base of the shaft into the prostate area.  How do I know all this?  Because this is the only way I masturbated until I met Venice.

tumblr_nlhxr3eS9E1u58ccdo1_250To clarify, this is not something guys do to pretend they are having sex, this is how they masturbate exclusively.   Like a man stroking himself thinks about how the hand has the same sensations as the mouth or a tight vagina, a man masturbating prone is dry humping, using his body to create friction rather than his hand.  I’ve never masturbated prone and actually thought I was having sex with a towel.  It was just a way to get off, except being able to balance on my elbows, move my hips, and relax much more than when a man jacks off.  Some men have masturbated prone for over 20 years and cannot orgasm in the traditional “stroking” fashion. I also couldn’t orgasm through stroking, and to be totally honest, jacking off just didn’t feel good to me at all.

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