Q&A – My Wife Hates Sex, Why Won’t She Just Give Me A Hall Pass?

hall passMy wife has a very low sex drive and does not need or want sex. She refuses to give oral, claiming it causes lockjaw and is painful for her. So the only time we have sex is when she can’t put me off any longer and feels sorry for me, on average every 6 weeks or so.

The sex itself, to be honest, sucks. I won’t bore you with details, but it seems like she wants to make sure it’s as unpleasant for me as it apparently is for her.

I’m to the point where I hate to even ask. I’d rather take care of myself…

So I’ve often wondered, why won’t she just give me a hall pass?

Two things I must share about myself. First, I’m not a cheater. I’ve been ruthlessly faithful, even when sorely tempted by willing, attractive, available women in places my wife couldn’t possibly find out about.

Second, I identify as poly, and dabbled with multiple simultaneous relationships, as well as BDSM and swinging, too, with prior girlfriends. I told my wife all about this stuff before we married, because I didn’t want any secrets. She seemed intrigued, even turned on, by my “dark side.”

We went to some kinky parties and a swing club once (I watched her dance with and kiss a girl!), and talked about the possibility of having an open marriage. Ever the pragmatist, she said she was open to the possibilities, but if we had kids, she wouldn’t want to put them at risk. Whatever that means…

Naturally, we had kids shortly thereafter. All talk of anything out of the ordinary came to a screeching halt.

So here I am 11 years later, not getting my needs met.

I mean, she doesn’t want sex at all, but I want it as much as possible, up to 3 to 4 times a week.

Almost everything else about our marriage is tolerable, and if we worked at it, fixable. But I can’t for the life of me figure out a better solution for our sex life.

I’ve done it before, so I know I could handle a secondary, simultaneous relationship. It wouldn’t be “an affair” if everyone know what the deal was. (I wouldn’t want to do it unless everyone was on board.)

Sigh… I mean, really, what’s the big hangup!?

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” I swear I would come back every night. I would love my wife SO MUCH MORE if she would just give me a little freedom!

If she asked me for this, I would grant it in a heartbeat! I would say, “PLEASE go fuck that guy’s brains out! Have a ball! Just be home by 11.”

I’d love to know what you and your readers’ opinions are on my situation.

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