Sexual Guilt From Having Such A Giving Spouse

sexual guiltHow can anyone be guilty from having a spouse that is so giving?

It really is very easy, especially when you are open about your sex life.  When people find out about me being woke up to blow jobs each day, or that we practice intimacy twice a day, they immediately find something wrong with it.  I’ve heard from others that I must be controlling, I must be too needy, it must be torture for my wife to give so much of her time to me, we’re not normal, everyone needs breaks from sex, and the list goes on and on.  I’ve heard my friends’ wives respond, “Oh that poor girl,” when speaking about Nessa and the amount of time she spends with me (maybe 30 – 45 minutes a day total on average).   When I say I am open about my sex life, I do not mean I give all the details about everything I do sexually.  That’s what this blog is for.  What I do mean is, most of our close friends do know about our circle and know that Nessa and I are intimate daily.

Although we are raised to believe certain rules and moral codes as children, when we become an adult it is important that we rethink our childhood teachings. What were our parents trying to teach us, what were they trying to protect us from, and what does our own belief system and worship of God teach us? Blaming our parents or our religion for our feelings is not taking full responsibility for our own growth and re-evaluation. Most people grow up, and evaluate what their parents did right and what they did wrong. After this evaluation, they decide what they will do differently in their lives, and the way they parent their children.  What happens with guilt is oftentimes different. No matter how we change our thinking, we may continue to suffer guilt when we engage in something that we grew up thinking was verboten. Sexual guilt is one of those areas that affect many couples’ lives. As with most issues in a relationship it will be easier if you address and talk about it with your committed partner.
~ Mary Jo Rapini, Licensed Relationship and Family Therapist

I believe a lot of the disconnect with intimacy and relationships is because of how we were “programmed” as children.  Nessa is given “social” sympathy (not really sympathy, but almost a sarcastic response to the idea of having sex too much) as a “poor girl” because each day she has decided to wake up and spend intimate time with me for 10 minutes.  Yet it’s totally acceptable for her to work for 8 hours each day.

So let me try to put this in perspective so I can understand it better.  10 minutes a day to keep your marriage strong and your spouse happy; weird and unusual.  8 hours a day to spend away from your spouse and family, busting your ass to pay bills and earn money; normal and acceptable.   According to the American Time Use Survey, an average person watches 2.6 hours of television a day.   Men spend 6.0 hours for leisure activities each day, while women spend 5.2.   This is all normal and acceptable.  I’ve never heard anyone suggest to Nessa that she was a “poor girl” because she watches her favorite show or spends time on the computer each night.  However, if she has to spend intimate time with her husband each day, that’s considered unusual.  Not that “you” time isn’t important, but “us” time is equally important in my opinion.   Especially considering a lot of your security, happiness, comfort, and complacency in life is based off the idea that you have already found your life partner and you no longer have the stresses of being alone or looking for someone to date.  In essence, making sure you and your spouse are both happy, is also “you” time.  Well, if you have your priorities straight and you aren’t self centered.

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