The Quad – My Poly Origins (Krys)

polyamorySince Venice and Ryan asked if The Quad could contribute to their blog, I’d been trying to think of something their readers might be interested in.  As a group, we answered a question, and if any of you have any other questions you’d like us to answer, please feel free to submit them.  We enjoyed answering that one.  In the meantime, I figured I’d let you all know how I came to realize I that I was polyamorous.

When I met my husband Gun, I was a rather innocent 20 year old.  He’d told me since we started dating that if I wanted to explore, we could talk about it and he’d be open to that.  He figured I’d bring it up back then.  Nope.  I brought it up on (Canadian) Thanksgiving weekend in 2011.  About a month before that, I’d started the journey to take control of my life and get healthy.  I’ve always been a bigger, curvy girl, who was shy and very unsure about herself.  Some health issues started popping up that summer, so I knew I had to do something about it.  In starting to shed some pounds, and feel good about myself, I decided I wanted to bite the bullet and see if someone else might be interest me.  On a whim, one evening just before Thanksgiving weekend I signed up to the website Plenty of Fish.  Within hours I had messages from a bunch of guys.  I chatted with a couple, but one in particular piqued my interest.  He was married, and looking for a friend with benefits (FWB).  His wife had had one for a few years, and he wanted one as well.  They were open and communicative with each other.  I couldn’t ever meet him without Gun being aware, so by the end of that weekend I knew I had to tell him.  We were home from dinner at his parents place, our kids were elsewhere in the house, Gun was playing Xbox, and I was sitting near him and getting more nervous by the second.  I was trying to wait for a slowdown in play, or a cut scene, but neither were happening in the game he was playing.  After he died one time, I just took a deep breath and kind of blurted out, “you know how you’d said when we started dating that I could explore elsewhere if I wanted to? Well, I think I found someone I’d like to do that with.”  He kind of sat there dumbfounded for a few moments, then said “okay.”  We talked a LOT those first few weeks.  I even told Gun if he wanted to find someone to have fun with, to go ahead.  We set out a few rules for ourselves and ventured forth.

For reasons outside of my control, I only saw this guy a handful of times, and only once intimately.  After that, I was chatting with a few guys, saw one or two others in various capacities.  Gun wasn’t having a much luck finding a sane female, who wasn’t cheating on her husband.  We’d been listening to the podcast Life on The Swingset, and decided to sign up to a swingers website and see if we could find a couple that we could both have fun with, along with making new friends.  We had various types of success and what I call “learning experiences” over the first few months of doing that.  I signed up for an anonymous Twitter account that summer as a way to vent frustrations, and express myself.  I obviously couldn’t do that on my vanilla accounts.  Gun started his own account a few days after I did.

Within a few months, we found a great community on Twitter.  We started meeting a few couples in person and were having an interesting time.  It was around then that I met a guy from one of the swinger sites we were on, and he became my FWB.  We chatted often and I saw him on my work lunch hour sometimes.   A few couples on Twitter who were swingers or were interested in swinging, started talking about a meet and greet in Niagara Falls that winter; we decided to go as well.  Because of our kids, we could only go for one night while most of the other couples were there for 2 nights.  We got there early Saturday afternoon and promptly got to meet the others in person.  We hit it off right off the bat with Bob and Lexxi, and with another couple Charlie and Angel.  At the end of the evening, Bob and Lexxi invited Gun and I up to their room.  Needless to say, we accepted, and had an enjoyable time 😉  We exchanged cell numbers the next day, and were texting the whole way home.

The four of us started to visit each other’s’ homes about once a month.  There was no denying that we all had a connection that was different than what any of us had experienced in the past.  Feelings started to deepen as time passed.  With communication being so open, we all discussed it with each other as it was progressing.  Around then, things with my FWB were getting awkward, something was missing for me. I wasn’t happy with what he could give me and Gun didn’t like the vibes he got off of this guy, so I broke it off with him.

The big turning point for myself in realizing I was poly was the long weekend we all spent on a houseboat for Lexxi’s 40th birthday.  That was the first time that we slept swapped (there were two double beds next to each other at one end of the boat, Gun and Lexxi had one while Bob and I had the other).  It was a fun, relaxed, amazing, weekend full of laughs, lots of hot sex, and tequila body shots.  A couple of weeks after that I ended up going to Bob and Lexxi’s on my own for a night.  When I left that weekend I had to hold back saying “I love you” to Bob.  I knew my feelings had deepened, but it surprised me that it felt natural to want to say that.  That summer, we all realized we’d been sliding down the same path.  We had visits that included our kids, some alone, had a wife swap weekend, and even an entire week where Bob and Lexxi stayed at our house (sans kids to boot!).

Gun and I had wished we had a couple that was closer we could hang out with, but after a while realized that we now had a bunch of great open-minded friends who lived at various distances, and we really weren’t focusing on finding couples anymore.  We deactivated our accounts on the various sites we had been on.

At some point later, Gun decided to sign back up to a few dating sites to try to find a female FWB in our area.  I had played alone with Chad, who is a good friend of ours, a couple of times that spring.  Other than that though, I had been feeling like something was missing for me and was wondering if a relationship of my own outside of what we now called The Quad, was it.  Lexxi had never really played separate from Bob (other than within The Quad, and with Chad) and was curious, so she and I each signed up on Tinder, and then OkCupid.  For myself, I chatted with a few people, met one guy for a coffee, but ultimately was discouraged and decided to deactivate the two accounts at the end of that summer.  A month and a half or so later, I reactivated my OkCupid account and soon after found Erik’s profile.  I found it smart and funny, plus the percentage match between us was 99% as we both had answered a lot of their questions similarly.  So, I messaged him.

We chatted easily over text, and then hit it off in person.  Over the next while, we went on various dates together, Gun and I had dinner with Erik and his wife Mia, plus they both came over when Bob and Lexxi were visiting.  As the months passed, I could see patterns in myself where I knew my feelings were starting to deepen for Erik.  Last spring, almost a year ago now, I really realized that I am truly polyamorous. I was in love with, or in the process of falling in love with, 3 guys and also had a deep relationship with a woman. Plus I had some good friends who I care for immensely.

To say the past four and a half years have been eye opening, is an understatement.  Between realizing that I am polyamorous, and now also discovering my kinky submissive side, I finally feel like I’ve found myself.  It feels natural, and I feel freer than I ever have.

Anie’s Diary – Baby Steps

About Anie: Anie is an attractive married woman that has came out to her husband that she is bisexual and wants to enjoy a threesome with another woman with him. She has only been married for 3 years. Although she would love to have a threesome with her husband, it isn’t that easy. So far she has found her first girlfriend, but the other girl isn’t interested in a threesome. For those of us in this open lifestyle, this is a very familiar situation. It’s possible the other girl also wants Anie to join her in her own threesome with her male counterpart, which Anie also isn’t interested in. Her blog will clarify and fill us in on all the trials and tribulations of a woman looking to enjoy both sides of being bisexual, in one bedroom, with her husband.  Stay tuned and read the blogs below. All Anie’s blogs will start as followed:  “Anie Diary”

diarySo we went… The night was absolutely perfection.

Even with a couple set backs I was determined to not let that stop us. We get there and I’m feeling super sexy and slightly tipsy as we FINALLY go through the door. We were greeted by friendly people. They asked if we’ve been here or any other swingers club before. We said no this was our first time. They walked us through the rules which on a Saturday night we knew full well it was couples and single females only. Which made me feel comfortable. A guy took our coats and escorted us on a tour of the facility. I’m glad we arrived early for this. Soon as we turned the first corner we see a couple engaging in a MMF threesome, Hub reaches out for my hand, at the time I thought he just wanted me close to him. But I found out later he was nervous, he looked over at me and for the first time I was the one that was cool as a cucumber. For some reason last time I was nervous just going through the door and Hub was chill; this time once we passed the threshold the atmosphere immediately relaxed me. Being surrounded by open and free sex is totally natural for me. So I truly felt in my element. The gentlemen at the front desk continued our tour of the various rooms and the clubs amenities. He shows us which rooms are private, semi private and totally open. Showed us the toys in each room, stock of condoms that are readily at your disposal, the showers, bathrooms, multiple televisions with various types of porn being displayed, and 2 huge dance floors. We finally get upstairs where music is pumping, and we see couples and groups engaging in conversation and various sexual acts. The place is BYOB so we brought a bottle and they add your mixer and you just tip the bartender. It was perfect. While Hub got our drinks situated, I scoped out a seat. The upper level had a large dance floor, with pole in the middle and the walls were lined with with sofas. Oh also a buffet with finger foods, PERFECTION🙌🙌.

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Anie’s Diary – The Beginning

About Anie: Anie is an attractive married woman that has came out to her husband that she is bisexual and wants to enjoy a threesome with another woman with him. She has only been married for 3 years. Although she would love to have a threesome with her husband, it isn’t that easy. So far she has found her first girlfriend, but the other girl isn’t interested in a threesome. For those of us in this open lifestyle, this is a very familiar situation. It’s possible the other girl also wants Anie to join her in her own threesome with her male counterpart, which Anie also isn’t interested in. Her blog will clarify and fill us in on all the trials and tribulations of a woman looking to enjoy both sides of being bisexual, in one bedroom, with her husband.  Stay tuned and read the blogs below. All Anie’s blogs will start as followed:  “Anie Diary”

DiaryOnce Hub was aware of my new found desires and after countless discussions of this being something we could share together, he was incredibly supportive of my attraction to women. He knows I am not interested in another male at all, just wanted to experience a softer more womanly touch. We would go out and he would ask me what my type of woman was, we would talk to waitresses while at dinner but neither of us could ever go to the next step and let someone know that WE were attracted to her and if we did then what would the next step be…? I remember asking V at some point for advice. I expressed to her how I just wish what we wanted would just fall into my lap. She suggested trying an online dating site. So we did, mind you I work full time, am a student, and Hub and I work completely different shifts at work. So he basically left the online dating thing up to me. We set up a profile expressing what we wanted and of course got responses from everyone but what we were looking for. It was the most annoying and impersonal thing ever to me. I quickly grew bored of it and moved on. With working, school and life in general I wasn’t able to keep up the search. But the desire still burned within… especially for me.

So what exactly are we looking for? A woman that we are obviously attracted too, preferably single, interested in engaging sexually with the both of us no strings attached. Seems simple right…

Meanwhile as life and work goes on it kinda got pushed to the back burner. A few months ago this woman at my job starts flirting with me, I suppose I was flirting with her as well but it all seemed to be friendly. I told Hub about her he suggested to see where it would go. I was apprehensive with starting anything with someone in the workplace, we work about two feet from one another. At that time I didn’t know what her intentions were, she could have just wanted to be my friend, plus she has a boyfriend so she wasn’t really on my radar. She asked me to have drinks with her after work one day. I agreed of course… She kept calling it a date I insisted it was just drinks and away we went.

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The Quad Q&A: When Do I Tell A New Prospect I Am Poly?

first date poly rulesOkay so for reference, I’m a 22 year old female who has been dating one 25 year old man for four years now. We’re happy, he knows I’m poly, it’s been on the table for about 3 years now. Right now it’s a long distance relationship, although it hasn’t always been. I’m having no problems with him. The issue I’m having is that for the first time since then, someone is interested in me and I think I royally messed up the order of things.

Friday night I went by myself to a local dance hall/club to check it. I considered that maybe I might be able to hook up with someone but I wasn’t really looking for anyone to actually date. Long story short, I ended up bringing a guy back home with me. Since I was expecting a one night stand and was also kind of frazzled that anyone had found me attractive enough to go home with, I didn’t bring up that I was poly. I really wasn’t expecting to ever see him again after I drove him back to his car the next day, but I underestimated my charm apparently because he definitely wants to see me again. He asked ME for my number and said he wants to meet up with me next week at the club again.

I have seen advice from other Poly people that I should always be open with someone I meet about being poly before anything sexual happens between us.   While we didn’t have sex, we did have sexual contact. He never asked if I was seeing someone and trust me when I say that if he had, I would have been honest about it.  But I just never felt that there was an appropriate time to bring it up. It was also loud and it would have probably been a complicated conversation to have in a club. I feel like a jerk about it now, but I just really didn’t think I would have to deal with this! poly first date rules

This new guy is older than my boyfriend, and is also getting a doctorate in some field of psychology. He didn’t seem to have a problem with the other weird things I revealed about myself, so I think it’s safe to assume he won’t be too shocked when I tell him I am poly.  He may be upset I didn’t tell him the first night we had sexual contact though. poly first date rules

My personal friends don’t have any experience with this sort of stuff, so I’m coming to you guys for help with this. I want to tell him before we meet again. I know that keeping it from him any longer is a really bad idea, I think. I feel like I got thrown in the deep end with this and I’m really inexperienced. My initial idea was to text him and ask to meet for coffee because I had to talk to him about something.  However, I could also just text him so that if it ends up that he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore, neither of us have to deal with being face to face with each other. Texting feels too impersonal. Do you guys have any ideas or suggestions for me? Did I mess up by having sexual contact with him without letting him know I was poly? Should I tell him before we meet again, and do I really have to tell him? poly first date rules poly first date rules

*As a group we decided to each take the question and answer it on our own, without seeing the others’ responses

Gunnar’s Response:
As a man who has multiple girlfriends my fear is always “will I be accepted”. This also seems to be in the back of your mind. Society today is more progressive but there are still some who are negative towards poly or multiple partners. I am glad that you want to air this out, although you didn’t mention what was discussed fully between each other outside of “weird things about yourself”. Was sexual history discussed? Besides what positions you like ;). What about his current status? My concerns always hinge on those two points since it establishes a baseline. It also leads to other conversations like that you are poly.

With that said, I am curious on what your other partner is aware of. Do you have any set rules or boundaries? Do you communicate everything that happens in your lives including lovers or potential dates? With having long distance relationships (I am in two right now) communication is so much more important than being local. Not having the physical contact and regular interaction makes it hard to ensure you are on the same page. Trust me, it is very easy to fall into this trap and end up having long conversations after the fact.

With the assumptions that I have, advising your new interest on your status is very important. Not all men like to share. However, not all men care either. It could end up being just another night that ends in sex and that is it. Either way it seems that you had fun and if it happens again, you wouldn’t argue. You also don’t seem to be looking for something more with this new guy. As to when to tell him, I’d suggest doing it with texts (if you are texting). I do most of my base questions through texting, so that is not as bad as you think. Either in person or over text works, more on what you are comfortable with. It’s not like you are dumping the guy. You are simply setting expectations and ensuring no assumptions are being made going forward.

Communication is key to any relationship. Friends, family and relationships. It is how all relationships work, and without it, they will ultimately fail. Myself having multiple girls I ensure that they are all aware of each other. Based on the relationship they are informed as needed. My wives (married and poly wife) are always informed about my dates along with expectations (sex is always on the table). Again, these are the rules I have set with everyone and there is no hard or fast rule in the lifestyle.  Just be honest to yourself and your partners and things will work out.

Now this is all from a man’s point of view, so I am curious on a woman’s point of view.

Krystalla’s Response:
Yes, you need to tell him, and if it were me, I would do it before you see him again. It’s easy to get caught up in hormones and everything while in the situation, then processing everything after can make you think “what did I do?” Don’t beat yourself up about that, take it as a learning experience. It happened and you didn’t go beyond your own boundaries (right? if you did, then that’s a whole other processing point), so before going further you need to tell this guy.

Personally I would text him the basics, that you’re non-monogamous, and then if he’s fine with it, go into more details about your poly long distance relationship and stance on things when you meet again. Also, you should probably clarify if he’s single or not. I am also assuming that you’ve discussed what had transpired with your current partner, and your thoughts going forward with this other guy…? Honesty and open communication are of utmost importance in a successful relationship, and are even more important when you’re dealing with dating more than one.

Lexxi’s Response:
I think that it is important to open up with him and discuss. Use your first partner as a sounding board also, let him in on your dilemma, that way you have someone by your side, so to speak.

Don’t wait too long. It only makes things harder, not to mention, it will hurt not just you, but both other men as well. No one likes to be kept a secret, and by not being upfront with the new potential person, you would be doing just that.

How to go about it? I am not sure how much you discussed after leaving the club the last time, but perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad thing to suggest to meet up for general conversation over coffee. I agree that the club setting is not the best place to have important conversations of any kind, and you may want to get to know him better if the conversation about poly works out for you. Coffee shop would be more conducive for those types of conversations. May I suggest you simply say, in your text, that you would like to have a chance to chat in a neutral setting that isn’t too loud before meeting again, that is, if he asks why.

Good luck 😉

Bob’s Response:
First off, I’m assuming your current boyfriend knows about your activities… and that you are looking for play partner and that you have some kind of protocol to communicate what the two of you need/want to discuss. To me that is the important part of this; communication (however you are comfortable with) between established poly partners is the key.  As for this new guy, to me I say don’t sweat it, poly is a controversial issue and not everyone understands it. At this point in the relationship, aka a booty call, it’s not the kind of information that needs to be shared. Now that is me, the emotionless swinger. Since you are asking this question I’m assuming that the fact that it’s bothering you, you need to add this in your conversation protocol to any potential play partner. So in the future, I say bring it into the conversation, if nothing else, just to make you feel like you are honoring your poly guidelines. Now for your current and situation, are you interested in this guy? That is the question. If you are, and considering the reaction you are having, I would say bring it up in conversation. As for how…well I can’t really tell you which one is better. It all depends on you and your communication style. If it was me I would do it during the next date (I’m assuming that there will be one). Be honest and matter of fact. This is who you are. If he has issue, that’s his problem…walk away. If not, well girl have some fun. poly first date rules

Meet Anie – A Married Woman’s Bisexual Journey

laptop_ladyIn our journey together we have met some great people with great stories. During a recent road trip with Venice, she was telling me about one of her friend’s latest adventure and I was totally intrigued. A bit behind on all the juicy gossip, Venice spilled the details about the different things going on in her friend’s life. Before she could finish her story, I asked her to message her friend and see if she’d be interested in sharing some blogs on our page.


When asked if I would like to share some of my stories/experiences, or ideas by my favorite bloggers and now good friends Ryan and Venice I was shocked, honored, terrified, and intrigued. Why shocked…? To think anyone would want to read my stories/experiences was slightly baffling to me. Honored because these two are my friends, of all the people to ask I felt privileged to be one of the lucky ones to share something they would include on their blog. Knowing that someone would read and follow my experiences is intriguing. Not that I have anything greatly profound to share; just knowing something I’ve gone through or am going through could help someone while allowing me to learn and grow within myself is fascinating.

For starters what would I like to be called? Call me Anie. I am married to an amazing man and am a mother of one. A couple years ago during sex with my husband I mentioned how I would love to eat a woman’s pussy right that second. Yea you read that right… 😏 I had been having thoughts of wanting to experience a woman sexually for a while prior to that outburst, but it kinda just slipped out at that moment. Of course at that time we are on the living room floor, he’s fucking my ass and I’m envisioning a third person in the room with us.

So that’s when it began… The endless even more open conversations, the seemingly never ending line of questioning. My husband automatically attempted to label me, labeled me for just my thoughts & desires because at that time there was no action.

All we knew in the beginning was this was something we wanted to experience together but we soon discovered finding a third was easier said than done and I ended up sharing myself (which he feels is a part of him) with another woman.

Follow me as we go through the ups and downs of looking for a third, some of our sexual experiences and basically our feelings regarding sharing ourselves with another person.


In the future we will not italicize Anie’s writing, or lead into her blog with an intro. It will just be her words.