Rating Your Penis Selfies: The Xbox 360 Penis

selfieThinking about sending that hottie you just met on tinder your penis selfie? Maybe your twitter finger is a bit itchy and you want to show the world what you are working with? Well before you do that, maybe you should think about letting a neutral eye critique it first. Who knows, you may lose the possible future love of your life because you sent a penis pic that wasn’t up to a woman’s standards.  Yea, some women may enjoy a photoshopped 12 inch cock that is so warped the chair in the background of the photo has taken on a whole new shape, or a picture of your penis with a with a rose sticking out of its penis hole, while in the background there is a toilet filled with a log that is double the size of your schlong, but you can never get a second chance to make a first dick selfie impression! Listen fellas, let’s face it, a penis pic is a dime a dozen. There is very little demand and a whole lot of supply. What sets apart your dick from a porn stars isn’t going to be its size or shape, but the creativeness of the photo itself. That’s what women give a second look at. With that being said, let’s see if you can separate your penis selfie from the pack.  Think quality, artistry, vision, grooming style, and of course, penis placement!  You can submit your pics by emailing me at penisselfies@gmail.com.

The Xbox 360 Penis

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Rating Your Penis Selfies: The Bathroom Floor (nsfw)

selfieThinking about sending that hottie you just met on tinder your penis selfie? Maybe your twitter finger is a bit itchy and you want to show the world what you are working with? Well before you do that, maybe you should think about letting a neutral eye critique it first. Who knows, you may lose the possible future love of your life because you sent a penis pic that wasn’t up to a woman’s standards.  Yea, some women may enjoy a photoshopped 12 inch cock that is so warped the chair in the background of the photo has taken on a whole new shape, or a picture of your penis with a with a rose sticking out of its penis hole, while in the background there is a toilet filled with a log that is double the size of your schlong, but you can never get a second chance to make a first dick selfie impression! Listen fellas, let’s face it, a penis pic is a dime a dozen. There is very little demand and a whole lot of supply. What sets apart your dick from a porn stars isn’t going to be its size or shape, but the creativeness of the photo itself. That’s what women give a second look at. With that being said, let’s see if you can separate your penis selfie from the pack.  Think quality, artistry, vision, grooming style, and of course, penis placement!  You can submit your pics by emailing me at penisselfies@gmail.com.

The Bathroom Floor

Basic rules of taking selfies:

1) No ripped panties/boxers. Unless your goal is to make people to think you’re cheap, homeless, or lazy, put on some nice, clean drawers. No one cares if you’re wearing your lucky boxers that got you to to State finals.

2) Cleanliness is next to godliness. This means no stains – not even the appearance of stains. It doesn’t matter if they just came out of the wash. Your photos are not scratch and sniff. Pretend the chick you’re sending your selfie to will judge you the way an American Idol judges little Suzy Jones doing her rendition of “A Whole New World.” They don’t care that you won your middle grade talent shows, grades 6 & 8 (not 7th though, because you had chicken pox). What matters is what they can see right there in front them.

09e8db80-1474-448e-aa75-e55b7949a88f3) By no means should you ever, ever, EVER let your panties or boxers touch the floor. The only time your unmentionables need to be touching the floor is they’re ready to be put in the dirty clothes. Period.

So, what does your selfie tell me? That if you’re not ready to toss those boxers that have been draped casually around your ankles next to the toilet, then you have just broken rule #3. Have the decency to take them off and protect your goody goody gum drops from other people’s dried pee and muddy shoes.

Additionally, I will assume that you are a professional selfie taker. How do I know? Because you can work the lighting to your advantage. I am not judging you on it. I, and every woman in America, do it.

Grade – C

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Rating Your Penis Selfies: The Deer Hunter (nsfw)

selfieThinking about sending that hottie you just met on tinder your penis selfie? Maybe your twitter finger is a bit itchy and you want to show the world what you are working with? Well before you do that, maybe you should think about letting a neutral eye critique it first. Who knows, you may lose the possible future love of your life because you sent a penis pic that wasn’t up to a woman’s standards.  Yea, some women may enjoy a photoshopped 12 inch cock that is so warped the chair in the background of the photo has taken on a whole new shape, or a picture of your penis with a with a rose sticking out of its penis hole, while in the background there is a toilet filled with a log that is double the size of your schlong, but you can never get a second chance to make a first dick selfie impression! Listen fellas, let’s face it, a penis pic is a dime a dozen. There is very little demand and a whole lot of supply. What sets apart your dick from a porn stars isn’t going to be its size or shape, but the creativeness of the photo itself. That’s what women give a second look at. With that being said, let’s see if you can separate your penis selfie from the pack.  Think quality, artistry, vision, grooming style, and of course, penis placement!  You can submit your pics by emailing me at penisselfies@gmail.com.

The Deer Hunter

2016-02-16Well, where is he? I can’t see him! How unusual to see a penis floating in the middle of a bathroom. If I were a deer, I’d probably be dead because I would be shot whilst standing still trying to figure out what exactly I was looking at. The last thing I’d see is a floating penis wearing blue jeans with an awkwardly placed white stain.

So where to begin? At first we have what appears to be a man’s man, with a camouflage Texas Longhorns shirt on. Oh yea, this is a penis selfie built FORD tough for sure. American made.

That’s what I thought at first…

But the more I stare, the more reality sinks in. Has it sank in for you yet? Are we in sync with this one? The ole’ cinco de mayo of Penis Selfies for sure.

Seriously, who the hell has a camouflage sink….and why? Do you hunt deer from your bathroom? Nothing stands out more in this photo than your sink.

Quality wise, the focal point is blurred, as it seems the toilet is more in focus than the actual penis. It’s never good to have a toilet in your penis selfie, ever. That’s an automatic C or C- by default. However, by the looks of that toilet, I bet his mom uses Scrub Free Bathroom Cleaner. Did I mention his mother because he doesn’t look like the type of guy that keeps his toilet shiny and immaculate? No, I say that because who on earth would camouflage their own sink if they actually paid for it themselves? Listen fellas, if your sink gets more attention than your penis in a penis selfie, you are not doing this right. I mean, am I the only one that has never seen or even thought of having a sink that is camouflage?

I’m giving this penis selfie a grade of D.  D for DO better.

Rating Your Penis Selfies: The Justin Bieber Pose (nsfw)

 

selfieThinking about sending that hottie you just met on tinder your penis selfie? Maybe your twitter finger is a bit itchy and you want to show the world what you are working with? Well before you do that, maybe you should think about letting a neutral eye critique it first. Who knows, you may lose the possible future love of your life because you sent a penis pic that wasn’t up to a woman’s standards.  Yea, some women may enjoy a photoshopped 12 inch cock that is so warped the chair in the background of the photo has taken on a whole new shape, or a picture of your penis with a with a rose sticking out of its penis hole, while in the background there is a toilet filled with a log that is double the size of your schlong, but you can never get a second chance to make a first dick selfie impression! Listen fellas, let’s face it, a penis pic is a dime a dozen. There is very little demand and a whole lot of supply. What sets apart your dick from a porn stars isn’t going to be its size or shape, but the creativeness of the photo itself. That’s what women give a second look at. With that being said, let’s see if you can separate your penis selfie from the pack.  Think quality, artistry, vision, grooming style, and of course, penis placement!  You can submit your pics by emailing me at penisselfies@gmail.com.

The Justin Bieber Pose

justinbeiberwannabeThe creativity cannot be ignored here. I’m unsure why you didn’t choose to simply use your left hand to take the photo. But the alternative method of using your foot (or feet) to snap the pic is commendable. I can imagine the multiple shots you must have taken to obtain this one in order to skillfully obscure your Justin Bieber looks. Not only have you successfully kept your facial features hidden, but you’ve managed to keep the rest of you hidden as well. Clearly your attempt to preserve your anonymity was balanced artistically, which, depending on the receiver of this pic, will either leave him/her wanting more.

Overall, the quality has not been entirely sacrificed as I can see the dirty blond highlights coiffed flawlessly and reflecting just enough natural lighting, but unfortunately, the “rear facing camera” graininess offsets it.

Grade: B-

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