Review: Screeched (Screech or Dustin “Dirty Sanchez” Diamond) Sex Tape

dustindiamondWhen it comes to sex tapes, this is the one that possibly killed the entire movement.  Dustin Diamond, better known as Screech from Saved By The Bell, pulls out all his tricks for this one… or does he?

Screeched, Saved By The Smell, was supposedly recorded in a St. Louis hotel room with the intention to sell as a “leaked” sex tape.  Although Dustin Diamond has said that he tried to stop the tape being “leaked”, David Hans Schmidt of Red Light District Video, has said Dustin was in on the deal the entire time.  Although Schmidt has claimed the video is 100% authentic to his knowledge, a lot of people question Dustin is actually the guy behind the penis.

“Dustin was in on this deal from the start,” Schmidt tells us. “He made this tape in a St. Louis hotel room with two girls last summer with the intention that I would sell it.”  Schmidt showed us what he vouches is Diamond’s signature on a contract dated Aug. 27, 2006. Attached is a cover letter on which Diamond’s manager, Roger Paul, appears to have scribbled, “Let’s make some money!” Schmidt suspects Diamond has been doubly deceptive. “I have reason to believe that is not Dustin’s [manhood] in the movie,” says the agent. “You never see his face and his [manhood] in the same shot. If, in fact, he used a body double, I’m going to sue him for defrauding me, Red Light and the American public.

Our only question is, why would anyone use that penis as a stunt double?  It’s quite possibly the ugliest looking penis we’ve ever seen.

1 poor, 2 fair, 3 average, 4 good, 5 excellent

Nessa’s Review:

Quality: 3
Entertainment Value: 1.5
Star Factor: 1
Skill Level: 1
The Woman: 2
The Man: 1
Sexual Value: 2

I feel like I was watching the Screech from “Saved By the Bell: The College Years” making a sex tape, not a grown man who wanted to break away from being typecast as the nerdy kid in a 90s Saturday morning kid sitcom.  It’s as if his persona did NOT change when the cameras turned off (although this was a different camera of sorts).  The Screech sex tape  starts off with an introduction from himself as he looks straight into the camera and trying to sound as professional as possible.  I’m led to believe that this man-child known as Dustin “D-Man” Diamond, as he likes to refer to himself, is going to partake in a threesome with a bride and a bridesmaid.  They even go so far as to follow a trail of sex toys around the room, complete with gift baskets and bows to make it appear more authentic.  For the record, I’m going to say that even in the height of his career, no woman in her right mind would stoop so low as to make a forever-life-tarnishing decision to fuck Screech.  But that’s just my opinion because I’m sure there are some MILFs out there holding on to their jean jacket-wearing, curly-haired goofball nostalgia.

At the beginning of the Screech sex tape we see Screech and a female in a tub filled with bubbles and candles surrounding him, and we’re inclined to believe that there is a softer, more serious side to him.  This is what we look for in “home” sex tapes – intimacy, real talk, and people enjoying the other’s company.  They talk about food and the possibility of the candles lighting his hair on fire, like in Michael Jackson’s Pepsi commercial.  But then something peculiar pops up from beneath the bubbles, but we’re not sure what it is.  Could it be her foot? Or his hand?  His dick?  My eyes and brain don’t allow me to believe that the way his body is positioned, the way there’s no commotion from him stroking himself underwater, the way he’s too talkative to keep his mind fully focused on staying hard – all these things don’t add up to the little Loch Ness monster rising up occasionally from beneath.  Could it be his hand? Maybe. Could it be a dildo?

The next scene is in the hotel with the soon to be married bride and her bridesmad.  The tone is playful.  In fact, it’s too playful that I feel the laughs from the females in the video are forced to laugh and make jokes in return.  It’s as if he’s trying extremely hard to be the life of the party.  It got extremely old and I became very annoyed early into the video.  The target audience: college kids, specifically class of 1998.  Because as I’m watching this, I’m reminded of every single boy in my junior high school whose vernacular is riddled with the words dude, man, and bro.  Even as he finally shows his dick, he tells the girl to “take out the monster.”  By “monster,” I’d assume like the monster in “Frankenstein” because that thing looked abnormally hideous. It looked like someone took a blown up glans that’s been chewed on and put it on top of a 3″ penis.  Oh, that was so Screech of me.

Taking all this into account, I would certainly not categorize this under “masturbation material,” but rather “something to play in the rec room at UCLA during Hell Week.”  Frankly I would have rather seen more girl-on-girl action as they seemed to ignore Screech in several of the scenes.  It’s a car wreck of a sex tape and the personalities of all involved were just plain blah.  Screech never grew up, in more ways than one, and the Dirty Sanchez at the end proved it.

Ryan’s Review:
Quality: 2
Entertainment Value: 2
Star Factor: 2
Skill Level: 1
The Woman: 1
The Man: 1
Sexual Value: 1

With the idea of a penis stunt double floating around in my head the entire time, I couldn’t stop laughing at the bathtub scene.  Apparently, Dustin Diamond, or Screech, can talk about food, burning his hair, bad candles, and a bunch of other gibberish while maintaining an erection.  That, or he is holding a rubber dildo under the bubbles.  I’d have to say, with the bubbles, the lighting, and the fact he never really gets out of the water, Screech is holding a dildo for that entire scene.  Sometimes it appears as if the dildo is floating up by his neck, and other times, down by his feet.  One thing is for certain, the dick showed later in the sex tape couldn’t float near his neck or feet.  In fact, it couldn’t even float near his hip.

I honestly don’t see why anyone would ever watch the Screech sex tape unless they needed to gather facts to write a bad review.  It’s not a sex tape, it’s not good, the girls are not sexy, and there is no money shot.  If there was a money shot, I missed it.   I will be honest, I kept my finger close to the fast forward button throughout the entire video.

A lot of things in this video confuse me.  For one, what the hell is Screech doing at a bachelorette party in a hotel room with some random ugly bride and her crappy bridesmaid?  Could you imagine the friend that set up that gag gift?  “You know what Betsy, let’s have the doorbell ring and instead of it being a cop stripper or a fireman, let’s order Screech.  That would be hilarious!”    I also do not understand why the beginning of this tape his girlfriend is recording him in a bathtub talking about how much they love each other, and the next scene is him in a hotel with 2 female strangers.  It really makes no sense.  Also, this is Screech.  What woman in her right mind would risk her future marriage for Screech?   I don’t think so.

Anyway, after this bathtub with some woman that was supposedly in love with Screech,  he is in a hotel room with a future bride and her friend.  The reason he is recording?  Him and a few of his poker buddies record themselves having sex and giving points to different positions or events.  Think Death Race 2000, minus anything exciting.  At one point, the women are playing with dildos and half the dildo is covered with shit.  What a crappy bridesmaid.   See what I did there?  At that point, Screech cuts off the camera and the two girls warp into the bathtub.   Smart thinking screech, clean that ass.

Screech didn’t use his squeaky voice and carried the video with corny jokes.  The entire video is from his point of view (POV).   He does get a blow job for a split second.  One of the girls tries to put a condom on him but put its on backwards.  To solve the problem, Screech pulls out a magnum xl.  Again, the girl puts it on backwards.  I couldn’t make this stuff up.   Maybe the girl was thrown off by Screech’s deformed penis.  The head looks like it melted over the shaft.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  After a few minutes of unexciting sex, a shitty dildo, and a very boring bath scene, Screech asks one of the girls to bend over.  He then inserts a finger inside her butt and excitedly screams out, “You got fish hooked, yea baby, fish hooked!!!”   He then walks up to the second girl and rubs his dirty finger across her nose, giving her a “Dirty Sanchez.”  This is the only money shot in the entire video.  I laughed.  Truthfully, the girl he “fish hooked” was the same one that created the shitty dildo, so that was probably the dirtiest Dirty Sanchez I have ever seen.  Screech, you just added a point to your entertainment value.

Below is a preview that we did not upload, do not host, and have nothing to do with other than a simple Google search and embed.

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