Q&A: Am I Crazy? Sexually Frustrated Wife Needing Help

My husbsexually frustratedand and I have been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 5. Our relationship is generally very good but there is a constant issue that we’ve had for the past few years and that is SEX.

I’m 29, husband is 27. I want sex ALL THE TIME, all day everyday. My husband is content with sex once a week or every two weeks even. It’s definitely slowed from a few years ago. I initiate almost every night and almost always get refused by him.

Worst of all there have been a couple of times I’ve caught him watching porn while I am asleep in bed, and he says it’s because sex is too much work.

We have two kids under 5 he likes to blame but I make sure they’re asleep in their own beds by 9pm every single night, so now he likes to blame work instead. He’s now too tired to have sex. Funny thing is I work 30 hours a week, go to university full time, be a wife and mom, and I’m still not too tired for sex.

I don’t know what to do. We rehash this issue all the time, it turns into arguments all the time. We have a happy marriage otherwise, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. But he makes me feel silly, crazy, or abnormal telling me that it’s all me and I have a higher than average sex drive. He says once every 1-2 weeks is normal for a couple who’s been together as long as we have with two young kids, but I have other friends with kids who say they get sex more often than I do. When I tell him this he laughs and says they are lying to make themselves look better than us.

I’ve told H that I know it’s unrealistic for me to expect him to give it to me every day since his drive is low but can’t he go twice a week then? I think I could compromise with that. Once a week if even is just way too little for me.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve even threatened to leave him over this…. It’s not all about how much I want sex but also how inconsiderate or careless he is about my feelings and desires in our relationship. Sometimes I feel that all that matters to him is if he’s satisfied, he couldn’t care less if I am or not. I cry myself to sleep next to him in bed sometimes and he rarely comforts me or tells me that he’s sorry he can’t keep up with me. Many times he just rolls over and ignores me, possibly from guilt.

Am I wrong in wanting more sex?  Am I crazy?  What advice do you have?

Venice’s response:
Wow. I think these types of situations are interesting because it is usually the woman who is “too tired” for sex, or at least portrayed that way. You are definitely NOT silly, crazy, or abnormal for wanting sex more than once every couple of weeks, unlike your husband. Looks to me like you’ve done all the right things to make it more conducive for you to get sex from your husband.

You do so much to make sure he has no excuses (at home). I commend you for that. I would make a very detailed list of all the things that you’ve done to make your marriage work. Explain to him that you believe that intimacy, i.e. making time for each other, having regular sex, are some of the building blocks of maintaining a strong marriage. I get very upset if I can’t get some form of intimate time with my husband. I’m a strong believer in starting each day and ending each night by showing our love for each other. It reaffirms the commitment we made to each on our wedding day. It also shows him that he’s first on my mind when I wake up and last on it when I go to bed. Intimacy is a continual cycle, and that’s what your husband needs to see, too. Family, jobs, school…whatever the reason…should not deter either of you from reminding the other that you need to be with each other physically to bond and connect on a primal level.

If he keeps rejecting you, it may lead to you no longer wanting sex or intimacy with him, attention, and eventually love. Don’t threaten to leave him, don’t threaten to “get it from someone else.” Be realistic. Tell him that you’re afraid you will grow tired of the one-way effort that you put in. Once it gets to that point, it will be hard for the both of you to recapture that love. If he sees that he is wrong and promises to work on changing, good. Tell him that you’ve been asking for intimacy and attention for a long time now, and that you don’t want it from anybody else. Tell him that he’s the only one who can make you feel like a woman, that you need his mouth on you, his dick in you, his arms holding you down; you need him to feel wanted by him. Tell him it gets you through the day when the kids act up, when you’re mentally exhausted from studying, and when your body is tired from working. Tell him that he’s the constant that you can depend on to never talk back, give you an F, or fire you from your job. Tell him that he, as a man, YOUR MAN, should be PROUD to be this person in your life.

Ryan’s response:
First, you’re definitely not crazy.

This answer should be easy because it’s something a lot of couples have problems with.   Usually it’s the husband that wants more sex, but that won’t change my advice.  Intimacy should be practiced daily.   For me, sex is the ultimate form of intimacy.  Nothing makes me feel closer to my wife than having sex with her, or just being nude with each other and letting our tongues and mouths explore each other’s naked bodies.   As I’ve said many times on this blog:  You should exercise each day to keep a healthy heart, the same as you should exercise intimacy each day to keep a healthy marriage.

Wanting intimacy doesn’t make you crazy.  Hopefully your husband is a reasonable man and understands compromise.  Find the balance of what he wants, figure out what you need, and maybe figure out a middle ground you can both be happy with.

I’ve heard scheduling days for intimacy has helped some couples.  Although some may prefer intimacy and sex to be totally spontaneous, there are some people that are just schedule minded.  If sex and intimacy were part of your schedule, your husband may start initiating.   That is something you’d have to figure out on your own, as every person is different and unique and no advice I can give would be perfect for your scenario.

Personally I find it selfish and neglectful when a spouse puts their “I don’t need” in front of their significant other’s “need.”   For me it’s almost like someone who is full and totally satisfied, not feeding the person they say they love more than anything in the world food, when they are starving.  According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (future blog), the need for sex is equivalent to our need for food (sleep, breathing, water, homeostatis, excretion).  If you are starving for intimacy, it isn’t a good feeling.

TAGS: Sexually Frustrated, sexually frustrated, I want too much sex

11 thoughts on “Q&A: Am I Crazy? Sexually Frustrated Wife Needing Help

  1. Good blog. Missing from the original letter are some details that could provide clues to underlying issues. The opinions below are offered from personal experiences and phrased as possible scenarios. So take them with a grain of salt.

    Other opinions :

    He may feel pressured to perform beyond his comfort level (“too much work”), especially if she is demanding (do it harder, faster, deeper, again!) He may feel he cannot satisfy her with what he is comfortable with. Either she could be less demanding during the act, or be more proactively riding him instead of making him do “all the work”. Certainly, he should add some moves to his playbook to keep her interested in his techniques.

    If his needs are overly met, why should he ever initiate? By her initiating daily, she’s removing his opportunity to initiate. She could be intimate with him through cuddling, kissing, and snuggling, then invite him to pet, and kiss her as she uses the Hitachi to reach orgasm.

    He jacks off to porn? Watch it with him. Jack him, play with yourself while watching, be creative. Look at it like an invitation to play. Bring the laptop to bed… watch a porn, and see if he joins in.

    He may actually have low testosterone levels! Long before ED strikes, the levels can be abnormally low, reducing sex drive. It can be treated, and may be a symptom of other medical issues that require attention.

    Finally, it is my opinion that a couple’s quality of their sex life is an indicator of their relationship’s health. If a car’s speedometer never moves past 40, is there a speedometer problem or an engine problem? Because the wife is reaching out for help, there is a problem. If husband can also admit there is a problem, they can seek professional help TOGETHER to improve their relationship’s health, and maybe his health.

    Suggestion: approach him from the Couple’s angle. “We’ve got a problem” is a good start.

    Hope this helps.

    • As I reread the blog, other thoughts come to mind.

      Why has he shut down? Something has happened in life that is causing his interest to taper. Could be pressures from work, an attraction to a coworker that makes him feel shameful in front of his wife, or just something about their relationship that has built up inside him over time. By opening up, insight can be gained.

      Also, Venice and Ryan mentioned “intimacy”, while the wife spoke directly about sex. They are not always the same, and the intimacy can certainly be had without orgasms. If she feels the need for a Big O, she should get one! (Even if self induced) But she shouldn’t rely on orgasms to be her only way to feel intimacy. She should be able to feel an intimate connection in many other ways. Her husband is more than a sex toy to satisfy her every sexual whim. I believe Dr. Ruth Westheimer said, “Take responsibility for your own orgasms.”

      In closing, this is a relationship issue, and likely a communication issue… both between the husband and wife. If they cannot communicate and work through it, then it is time to seek the guidance of a professional.

      A drowning man isn’t drowning because he isn’t trying… he just needs some help to learn to swim. No shame in seeking help.

    • I don’t think he is pressured from performing… he’s not even performing. Her issue is that he tells her no when he asks for sex.

  2. So I had and am coming out of a similar experience with my boyfriend of 5 years. The first couple years of our relationship, we had sex all the time, often multiple times a day. Then we tapered off to once or twice a month at our lowest.

    I, too, thought I was crazy or abnormal because my sex drive was so high, but he seemed to be so low. Further, it left me insecure because of the stark difference in his drive.

    Long story short, through a series of events and dramatic arguments after many nights of also crying in bed as he lay sleeping beside me, I discovered and he revealed to me that he has a sex and pornography addiction. He was in fact masturbating many times a day and even doing webcam sessions with other females. Needless to say, this upset and hurt me deeply – especially because I was all too wiling to be intimate with him and had only been met with rejection; but, as he put it, somewhere along the way sex and love became totally disconnected and his guilt pushed him further away from me intimately and deeper into his addiction – as other than the sex our relationship was great or so it seemed. I realized that I kind of knew something was up all along. We have been working through these issues together, with the help of a wonderful book by a therapist named Zaychik, and our communication and intimacy is at an all time high, but it is a daily battle.

    I am new to this blog, so I am not sure if this has been discussed, but porn addiction is very real and all too common in our society. Studies say up to 25% of young males (under age 37) have some form of it. I don’t know if this is in fact your husband’s issue, but as someone with the same “symptoms” in my own relationship once, it is worth discussing openly and calmly. Wishing you both the best.

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