Dirty Talk And What It All Means

talk dirtyI’ve decided to write a blog about dirty talk and translate it with different perspectives, including my own.  This was written lightheartedly and isn’t intended to be fact.  I’m sure some men actually do have intelligible babble while they talk dirty in the bedroom.

His Actions and Words: <petting her head as she sucks his dick> “Good girl.”
Her Prude/Feminist Translation:  “He is petting me like I am a dog and saying good girl for doing a good job.  First, I am a woman, not an animal or his child.  This type of talk is makes him feel like a man and an authoritative figure.  It brings out his caveman machismo, which is supposed to quench my instincts to please my man, it doesn’t.  I am supposed to be happy he is awarding my good behavior, I’m not.”
My Translation: “I am his pet, his little girl with my tight little pussy and tiny mouth. It hurts when I have to stretch my jaws around his cock.  I want to get recognition while I suck him off, so I will shake my little ass and wag my tailfeather for him.  I love the way he pets me to show his affection and appreciation.  God I love it when he calls me his good little girl.  He’s the only man on earth that can call me that and make my pussy drip.”
What He Is Really Thinking:
“Awwwwwwwwww ughhhhhhhhhhhhh ihhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhh awwwwwwwww (unintelligible babble).”

His Words: “Suck my dick like a porn star you sexy bitch.”
Her Prude/Feminist Translation: “First of all, you call me a bitch again and I will bite this fucking dick off.  As far as porn star, I’m much better than a porn star.  If I decide to suck your penis, because I want to, not because you want it, I do it because I love you, not to get paid.  You should be saying  ‘If you decide to continue putting your lips around my member, do it like you love me please.’   Any preconceived idea of a good blowjob from a disgusting adult video is the opposite of sexy.”
My Translation: “Oh he wants me to spit all over his cock and twist my wrists and see how hard it is to give him an indian burn with his dick all wet.  He wants me to slam my face onto his shaft and open my mouth wide so I can lick his balls as I have his cock so far down my throat I can’t breath.  He is in the mood for me to leave his dick sore from all the friction and movement.  I’ll be your little porn star slut.  Show this sexy bitch the audition room, Mr. Big Dick.”
What He Is Really Thinking: “
Awwwwwwwwww ughhhhhhhhhhhhh ihhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhh awwwwwwwww (unintelligible babble).”

His Words: “I want to cum all over your face.”
Her Prude/Feminist Translation: “The fluid that you make in your gonads is not lotion or made for my face.  It has no Vitamin E in it.  I am not your little cum receptacle.  My face, my mouth, my mind, is not for you to cum on as if I am meaningless.  Cum in my pussy or in your own hands.  That’s it.”
My Translation: “I want your DNA all over my body.  Mark your territory and cum all over my pretty face.  That sperm, that life-giving force, those seeds that gave me my family, the liquid that stays warm inside your sexy ass balls all day.  I can’t wait to smell and feel you on my face.  I can’t wait to clean your cum off my forehead with your dick and taste you. I want to watch it fly out of your cock hole and feel its warmth when it lands on me. Let’s look at each other with your cum all over me so that you will associate your orgasm with me.”
What He Is Really Thinking: “I WANT TO CUM ON HER CUM I WANT TO PLEASE LET ME CUM ON YOU PLEASE LET ME CUM ON YOU CUM CUM CUM CUM I AM CUM I AM CUM I AM”

His Words: “Lick My Asshole.”
Her Prude/Feminist Translation:  “Ab-so-fucking-lutely not you disgusting pig. My tongue isn’t your toilet paper.  My body isn’t your experiment.  Say that to me again and I swear I will chop your fucking dick off.”
My Translation: ” Lick  your little ass huh?  How about I lift your legs up and make you my little bitch.  Nothing on your body can gross me out.  I love hard, and if you want your ass licked, I will make sure your ass gets licked.  And if I want my ass licked, after a sweaty workout, a long day, you better drop to your knees and lick my crack until I am finished with you.  Now give me that sexy ass.”
What He Is Really Thinking: “I want to know how much she wants me. Awwwwwwwwww ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.  God I hope she does it.  ihhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhh awwwwwwwww Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase.  (unintelligible babble).”

His Words: “Call me ‘daddy'”
Her Prude/Feminist Translation:  “You are not my father, and it’s not sexy to suggest a father / daughter relationship while you are sticking your penis inside my body.   How about I call you by your name and you call me by mine.  Kk, thx.”
My Translation: “I’ll call you daddy, master, sir, big dick willy, daddy long dick, and whatever else you can come up with as long as you are using that cock to grind into the back of my pussy until I cum all over it.”
What He Is Really Thinking: “WHO AM I AGAIN?  WHERE AM I? AM I REALLY HAVING SEX?   I’M YOUR DADDY GARBLE GARBLE ihhhhhhhh ahhhhhhh awwwwwwwww Charlie Brown Kelly Clarkson Fat  (unintelligible babble).”

His Words: “What do you want to do to me tonight?”
Her Prude/Feminist Translation: “How about we watch “The Gender War” documentary and discuss how we can connect physically without touching.  Maybe end the night playing Backgammon or Word with Friends, except we not play with each other.”
My Translation: “Everything.”
What He Is Really Thinking: “Can we have sex?  My brain is hurting my penis hurts so bad. I’ll take it any way I can get it, even a footjob or dress me up in diapers while you spank me. Please just confirm that we are going to have sex or do something involving my penis being touched.

7 thoughts on “Dirty Talk And What It All Means

  1. lol, you pretty much hit nail on the head with men. However, you are going to get mobbed by a bunch of women with underarm hair that reek of tofu burgers after this one.

  2. I disagree with how you depict feminists. Feminism is supposed to be sex-positive, so this very blog, with you embracing your sexuality in all its expressions, is a feminist statement. A woman who saved herself for marriage and only ever has vanilla sex with her husband is also a feminist in her own way. Feminist sex is supposed to be about a woman making choices about her own body and pleasure.

    Sure, some extreme feminists think crap like “all sex is rape” (cf Andrea Sworkin), but they are a sad, pathetic minority.

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