Q&A: I have a cuckold fetish and I am ashamed of myself.

cuckoldI’m a male, still quite young at 20 and am in my first serious relationship. My partner is 5 years older than me and is very experienced sexually, which for me was always a point of insecurity because I lost my virginity to her. After dating for 8 months, we entered the long distance stage of our relationship. And in my first months away from her, I developed a very strong cuckold fetish that I had not ever felt prior. But, here’s the thing: it scares me… a lot. It makes me very afraid of my sexuality, because I’ve always hoped to achieve a sexual relationship with a lover and life partner where we practice monogamy, and if there are any kinks we want to try out, we could make it happen for each other. That seems ideal to me. No jealousy involved, no shaming, no arousal from emotional pain, no getting turned on by compersion. I wish I could cut these sources of pleasure out of my system. I’m not sure what caused my fetish the first place, but it’s most likely because of my insecurities being less experienced than her and also being in different countries, where she has to “hold herself back” by being in a currently monogamous relationship. It makes me feel guilty for forcing her to inhibit herself. I have never told her about this fetish of mine. Should I? We’re open to talking about sexual fantasies and I love it – we’re very open and honest. But I’ve heard of cases where the girlfriend will be ashamed or feel unloved by her boyfriend’s cuckold fetish. Or, worse yet, she’ll be into the idea, and my fetish would push me to match her up with other men. I know that if I did this I would feel momentary pleasure but then feel ashamed and worthless afterwards. I just want to forget it all and relieve myself of the burdens of my new-found sexual interests. What are your thoughts?

Venice’s response:
Anytime you have a serious discussion with your partner, it can be terrifying because you don’t know how he/she will react: ashamed (as you said) at the thought being because of your cuckold fetish, feeling inadequate because she may think she’s not enough for you, angry for even considering her to be “that kind of girl.” On the other hand, she may share your feelings, which may be a good thing at first as it can easily go from 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye. I say this because if she decides to indulge your fetish, which the both of you will enjoy in its early stages, I can foresee it spinning out of control if there are no boundaries in place. Imagine her sending you pictures of one of weekend gangbangs or getting multiple shots of semen on her face. Because although you have this fetish, there may be some things that you deem too extreme. Boundaries, no matter how unorthodox a relationship may be to others, are the checks and balance that keep

Moving from a monogamous relationship to that of a multi-partner one (let alone discussing it) is a serious step and you may never go back to how things were before once you’ve done so. I understand that you’re both very open and honest, which I believe all couples should be, but openness and honesty don’t have anything to do with your desires as well as hers. My suggestions is to give your relationship some time. You may change your mind in a few months or a few weeks, or sooner. In the least, this may be a phase, a fleeting idea, and you slowly lose interest. No matter how well you think you may know her, you can never predict how she’ll react. However, I think allowing your relationship to age may work in everyone’s best interest. It will give you time to assess where you stand (if you want to eventually marry her), to make up your mind definitely (if your fetish will grow stronger or dissipate), and to get to know your partner better (you may gain insight into her own fetishes, and if that happens, you may have subsequent conversations about other relationship goals/boundaries).

Ryan’s response:
I am an advocate for being open, honest, and communicating in a relationship. However, since I have been married for so long my ideology comes from maintaining a strong marriage. Prior to marriage, the rules of engagement are completely different than what I believe a married couple should have. There are a few reasons why: Purpose of relationship, trust, and your history.

Purpose of relationship: Is this a relationship where you just want to have fun?  If so, why not tell her your fantasies and see if she is okay with it. No big deal. Is this a relationship where you want to possibly be married and live with this person for the rest of your life? If the purpose of your relationship is to life with each other forever, I am strongly against the idea of adding anyone else to your relationship. Why? Because you have your whole life to explore these other areas, and I promise you, no matter how sexual you are, it takes years to fully experience everything a person has to offer in the bedroom. You may want to carefully think about what your fantasy involves, especially with your relationship being so young. In this stage of your relationship, it may not be the best time to try things that I feel a couple should wait years into your relationship to start.  Why? History.

History: How much history do you have with this person? If you have a long history and you know all the ins and out of her personality, maybe, in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage could you share your kinky fantasies that involve others. Again, depending on the purpose of this relationship. If you have a short history and you have only known your girlfriend for a year or so (in your case, it’s a long distance relationship), there is no way you know all the ins and outs of her personality. Maybe you think you do, because I have never met a person who doesn’t think they don’t know their lover totally. It doesn’t matter if they’ve only been together for 2 weeks, people just feel they automatically know everything about another person simply because they laughed together and decided to cum on each others’ genitals. It’s not that easy, and in my opinion, it takes years, and I mean years to really get to know someone. And even then, the person is constantly changing and if the open communication stops, within a few months you could have a totally new person you are dealing with. Why is history so important though? Trust.

Trust: If you trust someone without knowing them, you are a fool. At what stage in a relationship should you trust someone? Well, judging by my fool comment, it would be after you really know the person you are with. This isn’t a simple process.  Again, everything still depends on the purpose of your relationship. There are variables here.

Being that I am in a relationship where we add a third female to our bedroom every now and then, I am glad we waited for our 15th year of marriage before this happened. We were able to trust each other more than we trust ourselves, enjoy the experience without any negative consequences, and have had almost no real issues after our experiences.  Again, I cannot really advise you on your situation because their are too many variables missing and I do not know the purpose of your relationship. If you just want to have fun and do not plan on spending the rest of your life with this person, go ahead and let her know your kinky fantasies. If you do want to spend the rest of your life with her, slow down.

8 thoughts on “Q&A: I have a cuckold fetish and I am ashamed of myself.

  1. I agree with most of what Venice and Ryan had to say (they usually give good advice). Communication is key. But also, figuring out the line between fantasy fun and reality rules is important. Maybe you just like exploring this in your mind. Maybe you and your partner want to try this out a couple of times (start slow) before you figure out what each of your are comfortable with doing. For starters, you might want to read our blog: mysexlifewithlola.com and a few others of a similar “hotwife” theme. Good luck! ~ Lola

  2. In this case, I agree that it is WAY too soon and the relationship is much too young and unstable to add this other element into it.

    However, as a kinkster who is in a serious, yet OPEN relationship that began over three years ago, I’m sensing some bias against swingers and polyamorous people here.

    Indulging fantasies and communicating can happen at ANY stage after those involved have solidified a proper foundation. I understand that it’s not for everyone, but this whole notion that fantasies and kinks involving other people cannot peacefully coexist within a serious, loving relationship is a harmful stereotype.

    Things are going swimmingly between us and we’ve both have had sex with other people together and separately. If we get married, we will CONTINUE to do so. Why? We established rules, we’re comfortable and not overly jealous people (we do care, but we are rational). I call my trysts having fun with “stunt dicks” as a joke, not to objectify my casual partners, but to make a point that my heart only belongs to one. There have been those who have banked on us not being rock solid, and they were promptly shown the door to go home and play with themselves that night.

    Making people like myself out to be any less devoted or loving to my significant other just because I have some fun on the side isn’t a fair assessment. For us, any “cheating” would be emotional ties to another. It’s cool that you felt comfortable inviting another into your bedroom after 15 years, but just because we did it a lot sooner doesn’t mean that we’re any less of a loving couple.

  3. Update:

    So far we have had positive experiences and I do not regret letting her explore other men. It turns me on and I understand that my shame is something society puts on us, but I do not care. I am doing what makes me happy.

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