Hey guys, my wife of 5 years has always been very self conscious about her body even though she is a very good looking woman. After the birth of our 2nd child 4 months ago she has gotten much worse. She has lost almost all of the weight from the pregnancy already but reminds me at least once a day that she weighs over 30 lbs more than when we met. She also now has a second scar from a C-section. She has been complaining about the first one since the birth of our first child so I can’t see that getting any better. Whenever the subject of her weight or scars come up I tell her that she looks great but she doesn’t believe me. She says things like ‘you have to say that because you’re my husband’ and other times just doesn’t understand why I’m attracted to her. She gets uncomfortable when I see her naked and prefers to keep some of her clothes on when we are intimate.
For years we have had sex 2 or 3 times a month which is less than I would like but I’ve come of accept it as an ok amount for us. Since the birth of our 2nd child 4 months ago, we’ve only had sex once. Whenever I try she tells me shes just not feeling sexy.
More sex would be awesome but this question isn’t just about that, I really want her to be happy with herself and I don’t know how to make her feel attractive or sexy. Any insight or advice would be appreciated.
After having our children, I, like many first-time mothers (and even second- and third-time mothers), got really down on myself for gaining weight. My cute clothes didn’t fit anymore, and I just didn’t feel attractive with my new found baby fat. And no amount of make up could make me feel like the person I was who could wake up first thing in the morning and feel beautiful. A lot of new mothers, or even mothers who have more than one child, get very down on themselves after their bodies change and don’t miraculously bounce back into shape. For me, it took a lot of coaxing, if you will, to convince me that I was still attractive. Like your wife, I kept the lights off. I didn’t feel there was a need to be looked at. After a while, Ryan started asking me to leave the lights on. I was really reluctant to be looked at. I was reluctant to be judged by my own husband. I told him to look away or not look at me at all if the lights were on.
The key is to keep reminding her that she is beautiful, that she is STILL beautiful, that she is even more beautiful because you’ve seen her before babies and after babies, that she will always be a gorgeous woman because she sacrificed her body for her family. Tell her that you embrace her new curves and that she should too. This has worked with me, it will always work for me, and it will never get old. She may turn you away. She may refuse the compliments from you. She may cry and continue to put herself down. But that’s where you, as a good husband, must step in and counter every insult she has for herself with an uplifting boost to her self-esteem. Win her over again the way you did when you first met. It’s what she looks for in a man whose job it is to support her and make her feel good about herself. Again.
Your wife feeling attractive is important in your relationship, especially when it comes to your sex life. If your wife doesn’t feel sexy or attractive, she will put herself in a stoic like mind state during sex and probably be miserable the entire time. Eventually she will see herself as nothing more than a warm vagina that you use to masturbate your cock to until you orgasm. This creates resentment and doesn’t help her self image.
Your wife may have what is known as Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I have no good answer for her improving her self image other than helping her find a qualified mental health professional that can possibly work through her issues with her.
The other things you can do is stay positive and be supportive. Never mention her scars bothering you, or her weight “really isn’t that bad.” Whether you know it or not, women with insecurities pick up on the smallest half joking comments about their figure and amplify them into an avalanche of insults. Compliment her and try your best to make sure she always hears how beautiful you think she is.
Marriage is hard, and after children, it only gets harder. A relationship works well when both people are on the same page and communicate their issues and problems. You will never be able to finagle yourself into more sex with your wife without consequences. Being open, having a partner that cares about your needs, and working through your problems together is the key to a successful marriage. Some of us get lucky and we end up with a partner that is in sync with our needs. While others end up with partners that may be more selfish or have never learned to balance their partner’s needs with their own. What I call, young minded. Because of a lack of respect, some women never learn to take care of their current husband’s needs. Unfortunately, it’s the losing your spouse that teaches you that important life lesson. Sometimes it’s just the threat of losing your spouse, but sometimes threats just are not enough. It’s crazy seeing how men/women treat their second wife/husband like absolute treasures, while their first husband/wife was treated like trash.
That was a bit of a jump, but I am a huge advocate of men and women being totally supportive of your partner’s intimacy needs. Whether you are tired, busy, or even feeling unattractive, ignoring your spouses intimacy needs turns you into nothing more than a friend. I’ve said it so many times on this blog: What separates a friend from a spouse? Intimacy. It’s never okay to turn your relationship into nothing more than a friendship. Unless both sides are okay with this change, it is a sure way to destroy the relationship or turn a good person into a cheat.
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