Hello Nessa and Ryan. My question is pretty simple. What is it about being abused during sex that I like so much? I suppose the variation of this question for Ryan would be, why do some men really enjoy the role of being abusive during sex? Thank you guys! rough sex rough sex rough sex rough sex rough sex
Coupling two things that are usually juxtaposed can result in the most pleasing combinations: chocolate bananas and vanilla milkshakes, heels and leg warmers (thank you, inner child of the 80s), and sex and pain. We shudder at them at first and distance ourselves from them. We’re just not used them. Because we are, for the most part, creatures of habit. We find a routine and and find routine a thing of comfort. However, a much needed (and wanted) break comes in the form of being “abused” during sex, which doesn’t always have to be physical abuse.
Rough sex: It’s a controlled environment. And because it is, we embrace the situation in which we have partial control. Partial in that we know what’s going to happen: some form of penetration. But we don’t know where it will go next, when it will end, where his semen will end up, etc. We absorb the physical and emotional “pain” that comes with it because it’s temporary, which is basically the only factor we can be sure won’t change. Much like a roller coaster, we get a natural high, excitement, from these type of experiences. And because it is partly controlled, we know there’s an end. Not knowing where the turns and dips are makes it that much more exciting.
A break from the ordinary. Much of our intimate time together is guided by changes in positions, the addition of stimulants (toys, alcohol, etc.). We’re just like any other couple in that sense. But we do believe in other forms of “domination.” Being “abused” during sex is like being a sexual punching bag. Not in an abusive sense where I want to get all fetal position in the shower afterwards, but in a way that it you are the object on which your partner can take his/her aggression. We can re-direct this aggression into sexual energy. Several times, Ryan has taken out his “workday stress” on me. Once he leaves his office, the stress follows him home. He will have days where hard fucking will relieve physical tension. He may take me from behind and pound me until my insides are sore, so sore that I feel like I have to throw up. He lays me down, pins down both of my forearms, and legs over his shoulders, and afterwards I bleed a little bit – my own badge of honor. It’s animalistic, overpowering, and I fear for my body’s safety from the alpha male aggression looming in Ryan’s body.
Shit-talking. We’re not cavemen when it comes to sex. We don’t just moan and grunt to show that we love how sex feels. We scream. We curse. We are verbally abusive. He may call me his slut, but it’s understood I’m only a slut for him. Although I will tease him during sex, I try not to say anything that would emasculate him. For my own good, and his. I am not attracted to a male bitch. However, I may call him a slut because of all the bitches we’ve fucked, softly say “good boy” when he wants to go slow or kiss on my neck, or “fuck me daddy” when he treats me like a little girl, spanks my ass, or is fucking me aggressively. When I sense that Ryan is in the mood for different types of sex, I play an active (yet passive) role.
It’s important to incorporate these elements to our intimate time so that they become, in a way, part of our “normal” routine. We can’t do it ALL the time. It’s just not feasible or even necessary. Because who wants a chocolate banana milkshake everyday?
For me it was a learned behavior. I have never been abusive or even raised my voice at a woman. Of course when I met Nessa I wanted to be perfect for her. I was inexperienced and thought sex was supposed to be slow and sensual. It’s the only way I had ever imagined sex. However, all of my fantasies were of me being totally submissive and doing whatever the woman asked of me. This would have probably been my ultimate fantasy as a teenager.
Theory: The more submissive a woman is to a man, the more a man feels masculine. The more aggressive he can be, the more he gets back in touch with his inner soldier / warrior / viking / caveman / alpha. No matter how much we have advanced in civilization, there were points in our genetic coding where we had to use aggression to survive. Maybe it is generations back for some men, but somewhere in our genetic coding is a hidden caveman. To be able to release this aggression with no real repercussions, makes us feel better and/or satisfied. Some men deny this instinct and judge this caveman aggression as simpletons, but those men usually get cheated on frequently (lol — in theory). Betas, otherwise known as Mr. Nice Guys.
The passive fantasies never worked themselves out. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have been passive during sex, or let Nessa have total control. It wasn’t really my doing, but Nessa’s need for a man. Once she released the inner man, I haven’t been able to put him away. I do not fantasize or think about being passive at all anymore. I think this was the boy in me and Nessa has never catered to the boy in me. In hindsight, I am grateful for that.
Theory: Women need men, not boys. Boys will not protect them, make them feel secure, make them happy, or satisfy their inner urges. They breastfed boys, they fuck men.
I can still remember the first time I had sex with her. Instead of her kissing me when I leaned into her, she would turn her head and loudly moan. Instead holding me close, she arched her back so she was deep into the bed and put her hands on my hips keeping her distance but would still pull my hips into her. And no, my breath didn’t stink (lol, sorry, The same face I fell in love with, was shy around, studied; her cute smile and innocent Asian girl mannerisms, turned into a thousand-yard-stare. The way she bit her lip and kept eye contact, the way she forcefully drove her hips into me. It didn’t take me long to figure out that she had no intentions of having slow sensual sex, she wanted me to fuck her. A complete 180 from who she was when she had her clothes on. Boy was I out of my league. Why did she make this mental switch when she had sex? I can’t really explain it. But before I would learn missionary, I was going to learn putting her face first into the bed, pulling her hair, and fucking her as hard as I could until I came. I could use all of my strength and slam my hips into her body, with no repercussions. I never knew a woman’s was so resilient. A living and breathing stress relief that no matter how hard I tried to pound, her body could handle it all. This was the type of sex she enjoyed the most. I do not believe it was through movies or preference (we were both inexperienced), but naturally, this is the way she liked to be fucked.
Theory: Naturally a woman is nurturing. She her man happy and comfortable. She wants a man to relieve his stress after a hard day, and the harder she lets him pound his hips into her body, the more he relieves his tension/stress. A man is the more aggressive partner by nature, and after a long day of (hunting / working), he can take it out on his woman’s pussy.
In the 18 years following our first sexual experience, not much has changed in her preferences. She enjoys what she enjoys and I have learned to adapt. I still prefer the random times we are both exhausted and kiss during sex, the slow sensual sex I naturally wanted, but the best sex I have is always a bit rough. From choking, to hair pulling, to slamming my dick into her pussy she has to squirm away because she can’t handle the sensations the friction creates. This is the sex we enjoy. I have no primal reasons why. Although I am sure as a man, it is my instincts to be more aggressive. I do believe that our sex has turned into what it has; anal, face fucking, deepthroating, because of how it all started. Although Nessa hated anal and could barely get the head of my penis into her mouth, her attitude during sex led to me finding ways to push her boundaries. Our sex life would have been different if from the beginning she insisted she wanted to be kissed and treated like a lady. I believe this is the truth.
Theory: A woman likes to be taken by a man because it makes her feel safe. She wants to feel his muscles, his strength, his aggression. She wants to be taken as a hostage, her pussy used up until it bleeds, because she loves feeling how strong he is. The more strength she feels, the more she enjoys herself. Maybe this has to do with survival? A strong man can take care of himself and his family. The stronger a man, the better his DNA is. The better his DNA for survival is, the better change the woman’s DNA is passed on for generations. Therefore, a woman want’s to feel a man’s aggression, because it turns her on to know that her man is brute, strong, aggressive, and his genetics were made to survive. And this may explain why men are more aggressive during sex. They want to show their strength off. rough sex rough sex rough sex