Okay, so I left my phone at the bank. Let me translate. I lost my homemade porn storage device at a place where there are 5 nosy women just looking for something to do. I think losing my phone may be in my personal top 5 of my biggest fears. Forget my credit cards, forget my cash, I just do not want to lose my mobile smut machine.
Speaking of my smut machine, it may be time to send this machine to the mechanic (trashcan) for an upgrade. For weeks now my phone has been messing up. After I am done using my phone and lay it down, later when I pick it up it is still on (the screen is just black), or the power is totally dead. I also noticed that there is no lock screen when this happens. If I turn the phone back on, it will be on exactly what I was looking at last without a lock screen.
With that being said, I had to run to the bank and get into a safe security box for work. Before I left, I may have been glancing at twitter. Don’t ask me why I look at smut on twitter at work in the middle of the day, because usually I don’t. However, if I publish a blog I will check out twitter to make sure my blog published or see who commented. Every now and then I will see some random *.gif tweeted that I will click, just to get a closer look. I call it: pussy click bait. I’m a man, I can’t help it.
So I ran into the bank and showed my identification, which is in my phone case. I got in and out quick and got what I needed. About 2 hours later I got a call at my office from a clerk at the bank. When I picked up the line she said, “Hello Ryan, did you forget something?”
I responded, “What, my keys?” I had no idea why I said that because I couldn’t have drove back to work without my keys. I just really had no idea why she was calling.
She laughed and said, “Are you missing your wallet?”
Fuck, my wallet. Otherwise known as my fucking phone. Otherwise known as if you click the gallery icon you end up seeing about 50 cock pics of myself, in various random positions that Venice requests during the day, face showing, smiling, and looking like a total toolbag. You’d also see about 500 various shots of Venice and her vagina, face, titties, ass, whatever. That “wallet” is my porn stash.
I jump in the car and head to the bank. It’s maybe a 2 minute drive, but all I keep telling myself is, “Okay Ryan, she called it a wallet so maybe she didn’t check out the phone.”
I get to the bank and the lady sees me at the desk and waves my “wallet” at me. She has this huge smile on her face and is eyeing me down. I try not to make any more eye contact than I have to. I grab my “wallet” and head for the door.
When I get back to work, I refuse to open my phone and look at it. I do not want to see if my gallery is open, I do not want to know if she snuck a few peeks, I’d rather just totally forget about it and pretend it never happened. So that’s what I did. 4 or 5 hours went by before I needed my phone. I don’t recall why, but I opened it up and hit the power button….
This exact picture to the left was on my screen. No lock screen, nothing. Just this huge fucking shot of this guys balls mid bounce, and some random woman’s ass hole. Apparently, this was the last *.gif I clicked on twitter before I hit the power button to turn my screen off. It was actually a gif that moved, but when I looked at the screen, the gif was frozen and all you see is this picture. In my opinion, it couldn’t be any worse of a picture. The guys balls are perfectly detailed and frozen mid swing. The guys ass hole is halfway showing, and honestly, all I saw when I unlocked the screen was his nuts. Not to mention, the girls ass hole is protruding almost like she is mid fart.
Who wouldn’t zoom in on this *.gif if they saw it on their twitter timeline? Seriously, is that not the best testicle bouncing *.gif ever created? In fact, I guarantee 90% of the people that saw this blog, tried to click this *.gif to enlarge it. Shame on you!
Anyway, back to my story. My face, my chest, my neck, got really hot. I felt so dumb for a second. Although the fact this picture was up on the screen does let me know she didn’t browse through my galleries, but it doesn’t change the fact that I look like some weirdo that was out in the parking lot jacking off to porn right before I came into the bank.
“Does this fucking guy think we are a damn sperm bank or something?”
Even though her perception of me may be very accurate, I still would like to keep some of my bad habits private.
lost phone lost phone lost phone lost phone