If that title makes sense to you, you are ahead of the curve, my friend. It makes absolutely no sense to me. As I write this, I am coming down from a mental high due to intimacy and I decided to jot down a few thoughts. In fact, being an introvert, I probably come up with the most ridiculous concepts when I am coming down from an intimacy high. Much like after smoking weed, you begin to become a philosopher; after getting intimacy, I become Sexocrates.
Last week after Venice kept sending me nude photos of herself in various locations flashing me, I got the sense that she is so fucking attractive to me that it made me angry. By angry I mean I wanted slap her pretty ass face with my dick, choke her, and push her body and mind to her limits to see if she thinks she is too sexy for me now. She just seems to be getting prettier with age, while me, not so much. So I want to punish her for that. I want to see if her being so much more beautiful than me will change the way she reacts to my aggression. Pretty twisted. But that was Sexocrates talking, not me.
I do not really want to go into those emotions right now because it was more of a passing thought. A lot of times I catch myself babbling/typing to Venice throughout our workday and later see that I sent an essay in her text box about all the various dumb things that I come up with.
So today’s babbling thought is as follows: She sucks my dick so good in the morning it feels like I am cheating on her. Maybe I can explain this thought, maybe not. I am sure as this intimacy high wears off it will make little or no sense to me, but at least I will have it typed out to read later.
There are times in the morning where I am groggy and not really in my right mind. Because of our routine, prior to either of us getting dressed for work, or getting our minds right, Venice pulls the covers off of me and puts her face in my lap and starts “waking me up.” We’ve talked about our circle plenty of times before, so I will not go into the detail of our morning ritual, or what she did this morning exactly. Venice has learned how to push every button on my body and can make me orgasm in under 10 minutes through oral sex, even on a bad day. A year ago, this wasn’t really possible, but these days, I have no control over it. She has just learned exactly the things that make my body tick, and maybe for others the techniques she uses wouldn’t blow their minds, but for me, it is years of experimenting and finding the perfect storm of sensations. Because of this, for 10 minutes I go into a different world, a high, a euphoria. My eyes blur and I can no longer see straight, my mind wanders off into a “100 fantasies of all the things I do to this woman,” and when I look down at her, they hit me all at once. I feel loved, I feel dirty and guilty, I feel wanted, I feel selfish, I feel like a god, I feel like putty in her hands, I feel kinky and horny, I feel like she is my servant, I feel like she is a goddess and an angel. I feel every emotion possible without really being able to grab onto a thought. I’ve read about autism, with so much information being processed that they do not respond the same way a normal personal would. I kind of understand that concept because I get this same feeling when I am trapped in this intimacy high. My thoughts are all over the place and I can’t focus on any of them. They jump from one extreme to the next, until my mind finally grabs onto one thought – the thought that sends me over the edge.
When I am done, I feel like I have cheated. I feel so wrong and satisfied, that even though I know I didn’t cheat, I still get some sort of “cheating” adrenaline rush. I feel satisfied beyond making out and having slow passionate sex. I feel selfish gratification and can’t help but to notice how happy it makes my wife when she makes me cum. She’s still like a stranger, proud of her ability to make this other human lose control of his body functions, moaning out loud, releasing himself inside her mouth. I’d think by now she would be so over it, you know. Like, how many times can you make a guy cum and just not care anymore? I get that a younger girl can make a guy cum and feel this rush of power like, “Oh my God, I just used my body and made this guy lose control of himself.” As true as that is, you’d just think after so many years of marriage, it really wouldn’t matter that you can make a guy cum, especially when you do it each day. But, she still gets excited. She even gets her feelings hurt if I stop her and say let’s wait until later to cum. She will literally mope and bring it up later that she wanted me to cum for her. This is just something I may never understand, but I am glad/lucky this is the way she is. This is why our circle works, why she is able to do what she does, and why I get this cheating satisfaction. It’s almost like having permission to be selfish, to have this sexual rush with no strings attached, no urgency to make sure I please her other than she wants my cum. If I cheated, I’d feel the same way. I would not care one bit about the other person’s orgasm or satisfaction. I’d only cheat to get a rush, a sexual release, without caring about the other person besides I want to use their body in ways I can’t with my wife. I just wouldn’t. Without feelings involved, I wouldn’t care if she thought I was bad in bed, a bad lover, or feel the need to go above and beyond to please her. My emotions are disconnected and I would only get this self-serving rush, this secret, this sexual release that makes me feel dirty and disgusting; but at the same time studly and wanted. In the mornings, I have this same feeling. I feel so good, but so disgusted in how I can get off in the morning and use Venice for my pleasure. This rush satisfies my deepest inner urges, yet I am in my own bedroom with the woman I love more than anything in the world.
The following are my texts to her trying to explain these emotions. Now, as I’m reading this, it doesn’t make much sense anymore. If I was reading it as an objective person, I’d think the man was trying to manipulate the woman to give him intimacy, oral sex, or just sex in the morning. However, I have no reason to manipulate her, we have been doing this for five years, every morning. It’s just a part of our life, not something I need to “sell” her. I believe I am more selling the idea to myself, because as I come down from my intimacy high, I feel guilty for enjoying her, and using her so much. I sent her this blog to edit, and the following message:
Here is a blog where I try to explain where my mind goes and what happens to me after you send me over the top. Sometimes I am calm and just get off, sometimes my mind races.
If I get high from what you do to me, I get high with random weird thoughts. And when I am coming down off this sexual high afterwards, I try to piece all of those thoughts that went through my head and make sense of them. This is where the idea, “you make me so angry because you are so fucking attractive to me,” came from.
But the truth is, that is not a real thought, it’s like me smoking weed and talking about the universe. Just read the blog and see what you did to me in the morning.
Hopefully one day it will make sense to you. I know it’s hard work doing what you do. It’s thankful, because I am always appreciative, but it’s still almost too much for a girl to do and stay sane.
The patience and the dedication.
But just know, it does do something to your man mentally, and it does have a real changing effect on my brain chemically. You aren’t just some woman sucking some mindless guy’s dick. You aren’t being mindlessly used like a sex toy. You are sucking the dick of an introvert that can’t shut his brain down.
I don’t lay there mindless and not think. My mind goes into this fucking extreme overdrive of thoughts, endless memories, experiences, and emotions. I try to find one that gets me over. Then when I come down from the high you gave me throughout the morning, my mind comes up with all these weird ass analogies while I try to piece together the puzzle of all my random thoughts. You are sucking the dick of a guy that when your mouth is on him, he thinks of a million things he has done with you, loves about you, dirty and slutty, loving and fun… and warps them into an orgasm.
what does a blow job feel like